War with Iran, How Bush Ignited My Political Asylum, Missing Notes, and Key to How to Read RCP2

          They all went down the tubes and were made unthinkable because of the "War on Terror" and I practically thanked God there was nothing I could do or say about any of this national mania hell bent on self-destruction. It literally had nothing to do with me, not any more than any other American might have been thought responsible in a "should have said or done something against it" kind of way. And it certainly didn't affect me the way it had military personnel or their families.

And then Bush made a speech. 'THE SPEECH' to me. Because France decided to abstain from joining in the War on Iraq, 2003 version 2.0, he said on national television, that people should boycott French goods. The era of "Freedom Fries" began and my software company was immediately torpedoed. ...

       And that was the key to why I am still alive, at least so far. I knew only how to enter the vortex, the maelstrom, the black hole of actually doing what I had set out for so long and rehearsed over and over in my head. When is the best time? How long will I have to prepare? But I had no idea what the other side of that would look like. Pretty much I just assumed I'd be shot, no joke. Whoever thought it was a good thing to have the army admit that, that day of all times, not a leak, a statement, over the howls of the State Department still saying it was not true, that was something that made me have to rethink what I was going to do next. Was there any way to back out of this situation I was in now that I had done what I had hoped to do, deliver a message and then see what happens after that, if anything, for me?

War with Iran, How Bush Ignited My Political Asylum, Missing Notes, and Key to How to Read RCP2

December 25th, 2019

(déjà vu!)

            As always when deciding to try to write something important, like in the beginning after my accident on June 1st, 2003, I always try to prioritize, if I have only one last thing to write, if I only get one more chance to say something, what do I think is the most important thing to say.

            I have not written regularly since the first year of this sites founding. I have no choice to do so now, as much as I can for as long as I can. I have asked for donations for the first time, though I do not know if the links will work. Because I have no income, I have no way forward now but to write. Because of that, knowing my time is very limited, and not because anyone might give me any donations, I have to write because now is such a screwed up time, and I may not get the chance to again anytime soon if I do not write about these things now.

            But before I start to write about things going on now, I have for many years wished to state why I did the things I did before to get here. I wished to have written this post years ago, and it has lingered in my head for a long time. I have written similar things before at Polsci.com, my main archive site, but this is the fullest I can write about my experiences overseas, and if I don't have time to write anything else, this is probably most important thing I can say right now without time to prepare. In a time for me that is short on time, much like Lithuania in 2003, or Sweden in 2005, which this addresses, I am looking at something coming up I cannot prepare for, and little I can do now to prepare myself for. My income is at an end, and I cannot get work other than to write once again, for if I can do nothing else, I can at least share what I know and knew. I don't like to dwell on the past and very much look forward to writing about these perilous new events about to be thrust upon us. I made a plea for help in the last post. I very much ask if you have the time to read it, if you will. (It's way shorter than this!)

            I am very much worried for the future, not just my own. I spent so much time writing hoping that the wars would lessen and diplomacy would once again be the first most valued choice on how to resolve the problems we are facing and about to face. The new parts of this were written on Christmas Eve, and the previous post explaining why I am writing again, was written today, Christmas Day, 2019. The last time I tried to write on Christmas was 2002, so I am a little rusty. This is all I have to offer. Maybe I will have more by New Years.

Jared.

             In some ways, how people look at life or the future is common if not universal. To some degree we want to have an idea of what will happen. Maybe not exactly what will happen ahead of time, but to have some degree of understanding of what might be coming, or what we are heading towards, so when we are required to act or do something in response, we will be ready for it.

              I have written many times that I have been lucky to often have seen or known a little bit more than most, of what will happen before it does. Not always, and not about everything. Sometimes I can glimpse a bit of potential for something and see where the potential leads, sometimes years away. I am not always correct. Statically speaking, I know I am better at it than most, from what limited data and experience I have had to work with to try to ascertain exactly how good other people are at such predictions.

     Knowing or thinking you know about something which may happen is often of no significance. There are things too numerous to mention that knowing about their potential to occur is irrelevant, and not useful. Other things, knowing, or thinking you have an idea, puts you in a position you may not wish to be in. Now, though you may wish to deny it, you suddenly may have an idea of what you could do if that set of circumstances actually occurs. Maybe you can change things up a bit now that you have, or may have, time to prepare for that time if things actually do begin to occur as you think they will.

              My father studied psychics, predictions about the future, more than most things. He read a lot of books, paid "good" psychics money to make recordings of their predictions, in addition to studying other para-normal phenomena. I never talked with him that much about it as things of that nature are not generally understood, and people tend to have their own ideas about such things. I am skeptical when other people say they can do things of that nature, even when I know them to be absolutely possible to be done. People have cultures and sub-cultures that influence how they think about even their own perceptions.

              The event called 9/11, or the attacks on the World Trade Center, many people ascribe that event and subsequent events as taking the world in a different direction. It set off a chain of "wars" in the War on Terror, Global War, and other misleading titles possibly tried out with focus groups. I do not claim to have seen that coming and greatly by then I had stopped caring about many things one way or the other. Sometimes I have an idea of how things will go, often accurate. We all make plans based on some degree of expectation, and sometimes we realize we have not a clue about what is going to happen tomorrow. For some people 9/11 was that wake up call that they didn't have a clue. Mine came a year earlier.

When I started Polsci.com in February 2004, I wrote on its title page, still unchanged except added to over the years, that when I moved to Maui in 2000, I saw nothing of or for the future at all, only blackness. I stated that...

            "The only future I saw was nothingness, all black. Though I was rich and had much to look forward to, I sensed no future for me whatsoever, only doom. I was shocked when the plane landed that I had made it there, so strong was the feeling I could not possibly, and was in awe every day that I was there. It was like existing outside of time."

It wasn't doom but it wasn't anything I understood or predicted. It was fun for awhile. Most of my life I didn't have a nice car, nor lived in a nice place (though Cape Cod was hardly a slum), nor could buy any kind of food I wanted without worrying if I could afford it. It was kind of a weird nice alternate time of reality which was really nice while it lasted.

Three things from the outside world spoiled my un-reality reality. Besides 9/11, there was the election of George W. Bush as President in 2000, in the first few months after I moved to Hawaii, and that was worrisome. Also even more so was the War on Iraq in 2003. Both of those two things, or three things, depending on how you look at it or choose to see it, were interrelated.

And they would completely derail my life, which I didn't see coming either. I studied Political Science at University in the late 1980's in Boston. I was more interested in Elections, especially Presidential Elections, than most people because I studied them, both out of general personal interest and because it is part of politics in general.

Similar to the election of President Trump sixteen years later, it was the first election in recent times where the winner of the electoral college was not the winner of the popular vote. At least that was the official story even though it was not true. Subsequent recount of the Florida election vote totals showed later, as it would have shown then had not the recount (which was mandated by the Florida Constitution to need to occur statewide,) been halted by the Supreme Court, though the US Constitution requires each state to conduct its own elections as they see fit.

Obviously this has little to do with, seemingly, what I am writing about, why my political asylum happened as it did. Since literally it began with something President Bush the Sequel said, and his official policy, I thought to add a few paragraphs about this "election" or "selection" as Democrats later referred to it.

The reason for this diversion into the election was because the deck was stacked in George Bush's favor and it was quite obvious by statements he made before and shortly after the voting had ended. As much as the US has been tearing itself apart, over the alleged misconduct of the 2016 election of Donald Trump, what happened in 2000 was far more obvious and real.

When it appeared that Vice-President Albert Gore was going to win Florida, and did, had the votes been counted accurately, the Bush Campaign stated that he would not acknowledge Gore's win if George Bush, won the popular vote. And he said he would fight it "all the way to the Supreme Court" and not acknowledge the loss because it would not have reflected the "will of the people."

The irony and obviousness of all this occurred because God, Fate or the Universe, as the saying goes works in mysterious ways. The exact opposite of what had been said by them turned out to be the case. While in actuality, which would not be acknowledged for long after the election, Gore won the popular vote and the Electoral College. But the Supreme Court awarded the Florida "win" to Bush. 

        In three of the possible four outcomes: Bush wins both; Bush wins the popular vote but not the Electoral vote (an outcome which he confidently predicted the Supreme court would declare him the legitimate winner); and Bush wins the Electoral Vote but not the popular vote, all three equaled a win for the Bush campaign. The only way for Gore to win was to win both, which he did, and STILL did not become President!

That was the beginning of my withdrawing my concern about just about anything to do with politics and the future in general. I didn't have to care because there was nothing I could do about anything anyway. By the time the War on Iraq was becoming inevitable in 2003, my health was failing anyway. I did not expect to live very long, so that contributed to my lack of concern generally.

As I wrote in August 2009...

        "February and March of 2003 were very, very difficult, and hard on me. Doubt, fear, anger, sorrow, many things all at once. A very dark cloud over the future seemed assured. The War in Iraq and all the horrors it would unleash were becoming inevitable, and with it, seemingly any good future was unlikely. Many things were grinding my hope for the future down, harder and lower than almost ever before.

          My "thinking spot" beach as I would later refer to it was my oasis. My routine became to ride by bike along the beaches, sit in a spot leaning back on the concrete slabs and watch the sun go down over the water in front of me every day. When no one was around, just me and the sun and the sea, I could pour out all my hopes, doubts, fears, joys and sorrows before me. No impending war, no fall out or blowbacks to come, no past or future history at all, just me and a big yellow ball going down over the water. I could smile or cry or both at the same time, and just for awhile enjoy a private slice of timelessness outside of what was before or what was to come.

          There with my quiet contemplations, any number of things seemed simple. Nothing seemed too complex that a little thought and effort could not make clear. All futures I had hoped for were wiped out, yet I still was. The future was becoming increasingly improbable, yet the world still was. It was a long time, it seemed, before I would again acknowledge hope, however seemingly misplaced or unlikely."

The War on Iraq by the United States was tragic for many in the United States, soldiers killed, maimed, psychologically damaged by the trauma, but it also killed hundreds of thousands of civilians at a minimum among the Iraqi people, and it also set off a string of equally devastating wars in the area, in the Sudan, Syria, Libya, and other countries. It also damaged the United States economically though all of that debt is magically thought suspended in an unreal space, and it prevented people from getting funding for many social programs, affordable medical care for all citizens as most developed countries have, and other infrastructure spending.

         They all went down the tubes and were made unthinkable because of the "War on Terror" and I practically thanked God there was nothing I could do or say about any of this national mania hell bent on self-destruction. It literally had nothing to do with me, not any more than any other American might have been thought responsible in a "should have said or done something against it" kind of way. And it certainly didn't affect me the way it had military personnel or their families.

And then Bush made a speech. 'THE SPEECH' to me. Because France decided to abstain from joining in the War on Iraq, 2003 version 2.0, he said on national television, that people should boycott French goods. The era of "Freedom Fries" began and my software company was immediately torpedoed.

My sales were about 95% to America Online subscribers. They at the time had a market dominance of casual email users. Their email system was not 100% compatible with industry standards. Basically email attachments, which people take for granted today, were not automatically decoded. Because of their dominance in the field, they did not have to be. Often they would suggest to tell the the sender of the email to get an AOL account and then their attachment problems would be solved. But they also recommended people download a free or trial version of a program to decode their emails so they could use or access their attachments.

I tailored my program which had been featured in PC Magazine for AOL users to use for these files. Briefly, my program had been the program AOL recommended people get to decode their attachments, above all others. By 2003 it was #2 on the list, not as profitable, but it was still highly ranked and accounted for most of my income.

After Bush made the call for a boycott on French products, nothing seemed off for 2 weeks. My programs were free to use for 2 weeks and then after that they shut down. Most of my customers who paid for it found the program useful because they used it regularly enough for it to be worth paying for. If they used it regularly, they often paid when it stopped working for free.

Almost to the day, 2 weeks after the boycott, my income fell to zero and stayed that way, almost every day. Orders were off by 99%. I went to the list of recommended programs and they were the same as it they were previously except my program was missing. The files were .MIM files or .MIME, and my program tailored to AOL users for these files was MIM Decode Gold. When I say my program was missing I do not mean in its place was the #3 program, and all others moved up. #3 was still #3, #4 was #4, etc. My slot was filled with a photograph of a French Mime.

It may seem irrelevant or obscure but French people were not always necessarily popular in the US. At that time an anti-French attitude was all over talk show "comedians" and so on. Literally my own State Department showed a slide with then Presidential Nominee Kerry with a fake funny French cap over the picture to explain this point to foreigners. Besides me being obviously French, DuBois, my company name was Scandere, which is Latin, and both foreign and French sounding. 

        As I stated when I finally got to talk about this during the political asylum process, it was an obvious message. A photograph of a mime is not exactly going to help you decode your email attachment. It was not a .exe file, not a program at all, and the title page for downloading the second program having being changed to point to a photograph instead of a program should have been quite obviously hard or impossible to do by accident, and yet it stayed up that way for months. I could have complained but if they were that much intent on removing me from the list or screwing me, a likely complaint would simply have removed the picture of the mime from the list of programs. While it remained up, I saw potential.

The potential I saw, was simply proof that my livelihood was taken away as a direct result of Bush's call for a boycott of French products. I was certainly not responsible in any way for France's decision to remain out of the war, and even less so that for my own country's decision to start an illegal war. When asked during the political asylum process, what caused you try to get asylum, I stated a line I literally waited years to say, "PUNISH FRANCE, IGNORE GERMANY, FORGIVE RUSSIA." That was the name of Bush's policy in how to deal with countries that opposed the Iraq war, supposedly attributed to his National Security Advisor, Condoleezza Rice.

It was a shitty position to be in, having my income completely disappear suddenly and in a way unlikely to return. Like most Americans, I had a lot of debt hanging over me. When asked by an instructor in college in Europe a year later who obviously had been briefed on it by someone, "Do you even KNOW how much debt you have?" I laughed. It was not a particularly funny question, but after the accident, head injury, and not exactly knowing nor caring as I had a lot of more pressing things to worry about, I laughed because I wondered about it sometimes. "100,000?" I answered. I literally had no idea, but it was a good guess.

In the immediate aftermath of losing my income, which may had been inevitable to have happened at a certain point anyway (AOL would eventually have to become compatible with other email services for attachments), I clearly saw the path which I actually did follow, in a way. After a massive head injury, I did as best could do at the time.

As I have stated a few times before without going into that much detail at the time, I did not think I had any chance in hell of getting political asylum based on that. It was warranted, and I was quite obviously denied an income based on my nationality or ethnicity. The mime photograph was a pointed gesture and could not be help but be construed in context, the date it appeared, as deliberate and a slur. But it had the potential to be so much more.

It meant getting a hearing because legally speaking it was within the bounds of what would qualify as persecution or discrimination based on ethnicity or nationality, and it came directly from official government policy. Once realizing the potential for the whole chain of events that actually did happen when I went that route, I now suddenly had the choice of doing so, or not doing so. But why would anyone go to such lengths knowing it would not work? Because whether it worked or not I would, if the law would have been followed, get a hearing to talk about the illegality of the war. Even if all of that happened as it could have, wouldn't that too be a meaningless gesture? Couldn't I just go out and do picketing or protesting? Wouldn't that be just as meaningless and a hell of a lot easier?

Except this was still before the car accident. I really had no idea what would come after that about anything. In other words, when I have said after the accident I was no longer able to judge what is/was possible in the future, this had the potential to lead to SOME good somehow if it was done right. 

        There were a million reasons why none of those things that would have been required to follow that route would have happened anyway. Going toward that destination of events was relatively easy and painless since it was never likely to occur anyway. I understood the potential good it could do, though more likely, to do so I would be putting a serious flag on my back, and if done wrong I could be imprisoned for trying to say anything beyond the things that were already public. 

        I could be easily silenced by made up charges until I gave up. Since I was a computer person with skill unquantified but seemingly successful, if I strayed into talking about alleged crimes, I could easily be wrongly accused of being a hacker. Talking about illegal things without having proof or direct firsthand knowledge meant I could either be written off as being a fantasy "conspiracy theorist" for talking about torture and such (which I did), or they could go the other way, and say that if I alluded to the truth of such things, I must have found out such things by hacking. The government could go whatever way they wanted if I became a serious problem, and the truth would have been irrelevant.

Enter the "Russian Hackers" defense/explanation. Before Clinton came up with it to explain a lot of things that did not happen, I had played that card. By the time Bush made his speech which began the impetus for what became my political asylum "thing" as I called it, I had been dealing with unknown persons trying to hack into my computers. Such things are normal but there was a difference to these attacks, there were not aimed solely at a computer I.P. address, but at me specifically as a person. I had traced the source of the attacks to several sites but the one that stood out was Transnistria, a breakaway portion of Moldova (or it was Moldova), which was and is, one of the frozen conflicts of wars of session after the breakup of the Soviet Union. 

        Not all of the new post-Soviet states, such as Ukraine, Georgia, Armenia, Azerbaijan, Moldova and others, had borders which were agreed upon, and while they were within the Soviet Union, such borders did not matter. All of this I got to study in great detail when the political asylum was put off to study all of this. At the time, those locations that I traced were simply bad news, and pointed to potential trouble on the horizon of an unknown type.

So while I could say for sure, I was not a hacker, keeping people off my computer was becoming complicated and if someone, anyone as I had little to go on, could put files on my computer before or during the political asylum, should I have started to cause serious problems, I could have at any time been easily set up for just about anything. 

These were two issues besides the complete drop in my income which pushed me, if I was going to follow that road, to a political asylum hearing in France, to discuss, strongly, the illegal nature of the War on Iraq and, most importantly, what I thought that would lead to if it continued to progress in the way it was unfolding. 

        These things lead me to think I did not have much time. While the photo of the mime was still up, I may not have had much of a case, but I had proof that what I said was true, and I did not know how long it was going to stay up. The other major thing was the potential that I might not be able to continue taking orders at all, even at an extremely lower level, if I could not go online safely. For the moment I was able to prevent anyone accessing the computer I used for taking orders involving credit card numbers. If I lost that ability, I would have had no income at all.

Another thing was my erratic health. When my income dropped, and I first contemplated all of these things lining up, I was in extremely poor health. I later surmised it was an intestinal parasite of some type because I could eat normally but never had to shit for over 2 weeks at a time. I bloated with a extra 20 pounds but I was getting no nutrition from eating and eventually any food at all made me sick. I survived by going on a juice diet and lost 1/3 my body weight including many pounds which weren't exactly superfluous (isn't life fun and exciting when you can't afford to see a doctor about things like this?). Eventually, several excruciating months later, it passed literally and figuratively. The upside was that I slowly began to be able to eat normally again, and I was beginning to get back to my normal weight. And then I got hit by a car. Fun year.

As I said previously in this, there are many examples I can give of knowing a lot of things before they happen. Getting hit by a car was not one of them. The potential for the political asylum events which I later did, (poorly but they worked out better than if I did not get hit by a car,) was one. Another was I saw the University of Tartu on television, where I did go for more than a year and a half, on television and "recognized" it in a way I cannot describe. When I left Hawaii in September 2003 to get political asylum in France in late 2003, I had no intention of trying to go to college first until I had a dream somewhere over the continental United States, of being in that or a similar looking college. Everything changed after that. On getting hit by a car from RCP2 December 7th 2005 in Sweden...

Debts up the kazoo, no real way to maneuver after the War in Iraq, yet also, the only way forward to achieve everything I needed to do would be to literally fly as close to the sun as possible. That day I stopped opening up my mail and pretty much resigned to let fate take its course. Fate takes many forms. In my case, fate was driving a car, and that car crossed the center line, and also the right lane, hit me, knocked me 5 feet in the air and I landed on the pavement head first. 

            As weird as things had been up to that point, they were about to go into overdrive. The accident pretty much left me out of sorts for a good year or so. By the time I was back in top form, I was coincidentally or not, a college student in the former Soviet Union, in Tartu, watched intently not only by the CIA but also most likely the FSB, the local spooks there and in another previous Soviet Republic, and that was believe it or not, all according to the plan. It was where not only I had wanted to be, but needed to be. 

            But that was still a ways away while lying on the ground with my head bleeding, staring up at the clouds as the sun was setting on Maui. The police said not to move, asked me who I was. Amazingly I knew but it was like someone else was talking. I answered and I answered correctly. They asked if I knew where I was. I was pretty proud I knew the answer to that one to. I said I was on Maui. That was a little more vague than they had hoped. Yes, I knew that I was on a island somewhere in the middle of the Pacific Ocean on a planet called Earth. To me that was a good answer. They were hoping I knew more details than that. 

           In the ambulance I sort of lost track of time, literally. They got worried because I kept asking the same questions over and over again, unable to make new memories of what they were telling me. That was bad. Really bad. They were relieved when it stopped and told me I was now not repeating myself like a blithering idiot. It seems after a severe head injury, that is not a good sign of how things are going to go next. Things got better and worse after the accident, pretty much culminating about 2 weeks later when I spent the entire day in bed unable to stand up or stop everything from spinning and was pretty sure there would be no more days after that. 

            The accident was the final major piece of the puzzle. It was enabling and debilitating at the same time, but the debilitating things were key to how it was enabling. I could not remember everything. I could remember other things which happened many many years ago as clear as if they happened yesterday. As far as work goes, I was a basket case. I could not understand my own source-code. I could read things I wrote and not remember writing them. I would get emails of people asking questions about my programs and I could not remember how to answer their questions any more than they knew. For anyone, this would be in a bad position to be in. With what was on the periphery with me, it was downright dangerous. In my own words, I forgot how to do math. I could add, but the higher math needed to write programs, as well as specifics about my own programs, how they worked, source-code which I never thought to actually annotate to say what they heck the routines were for or supposed to do, I was pretty much lost and winging it, and gave a lot of refunds. 

And this is how I described the accident on September 2, 2011..

      Flashing forward to when I got hit by a car on June 1st, 2003, my initial reaction and circumstances were similar. As I later put it, I was suddenly time blind. I had huge gaps in my memories of the recent past. On the other hand, I could remember many things from my earliest childhood, when I was 5 and 6, 10 and 11, etc. as if they had literally just happened yesterday. Given my circumstances, I knew it to be a two-edged sword, but the side to be worried about is the side which can harm you.

      Though like in the pharmacy, I had no immediate threats, but running through the list of potential threats, how can one defend oneself of any accusation if they cannot remember what they did last week, last month, etc. One could be at risk in any number of ways and be completely blindsided by potentially anything which a person without such a memory loss or blindness would never even consider possible or think about. And it carried over into future expectations as well. If one could not remember the recent past, on what could one base ones expectations of what the future might bring?

      The logic of my reaction was the same. Try to continue on as normally as possible and not reveal any potentially catastrophic weakness or blindness and wait for it to go away and normal abilities to come back. With the blindness of the eyes, it was terrifying in a way, but it was relatively easy to keep it together for a few minutes, simply because I was in no danger of having to do anything other than what I was seeming to already be doing.

      With the memory gaps, it is hard to say when it exactly ended or began. Major gaps and holes in remembering came back quickly and at fast rates within a matter of a few weeks. Other things took much longer with 6 months or even a year for many things. It is misleading to say I could completely not remember things because from the start I was functional in most respects, barely. Things were not gone completely but the time it took to remember something simple, something as simple as my middle name, could take a half a minute or more. More than “blinded,” I prefer the term “blurred” as being more appropriate when thinking back on it.

      The things people can remember with no effort, instantaneously, define them in many ways. They do not need to be thought about and such memories, preferences, and personality traits, though each person often chooses to adopt such preferences or ways of thinking at one time or another, they become second nature, a persons core operating system so to speak.

      While it may make good song lines such as “And you’re hangin’ out in the local bar, and you’re wondering, who the hell you are,” (“Keep on Smilin’” by Wet Willie) it is not in any way a good thing in real life. It is one thing to be philosophical about the question, “who am I”, when it does not really affect your literal sense of the core of who you are or what you should be doing, right now.

      Like the bump on the head via the van, the only real option was to simply wait it out, and hope eventually it would all come back to me, which it did. But as I mentioned, that was over a disconcertingly long period of time, so long that I had to get used to the idea that it all, my memories and abilities, might never come back.

      As I mentioned in other writings, for the first two weeks after the accident, I had ups and downs, most of which I do not really remember that much about. Things previous to the accident became clear eventually, and when things started improving, it was a new fresh take on life for me that is hard to describe. But in those first two weeks after the accident, I cannot remember how much I could remember nor not remember at that point. I was dizzy almost constantly so I stayed at home and did not go out, as it was very difficult for me to even walk or drive.

      Two weeks later I had what was incomparably by far the worst day of that time and probably of my life. For that entire day I could not stand up. I could not get to a phone to call for help. Every time I tried to get up, I had to immediately sit down or fell back down on my bed. More than 24 hours of a room constantly spinning around and around and around. It is easy to understand I got used to the idea then that there seriously might not be any more days for me after that.

      The next day was, relative to the previous day, like a fever breaking. Things seemed clearer. Though things did seem to spin off and on for another month or so, and that did not stop completely until I was in Europe in October, I began to be able to assess my current state, remember such assessments, and begin to build up again.

      Though there was much I could not remember at that time, much else could be remembered with much effort and a lot of time. Other things were frustratingly just out of reach, yet seemingly simple. I remember not knowing what I liked of foods. Going to a grocery store, I would look at vegetables, brands of cereal, know their names, know I must have had them before but still have no idea whether I liked them or not. I actually had to look through my cupboard for clues as to what kinds of food I liked.

      The longer one has to deal with that, the more likely one is to move away from such preferences. A person begins to build new preferences since ones memories are always being added to as long as one is awake and aware, and is able to create new memories. Even once getting back such previous opinions, tastes, attitudes, etc. by remembering them, the longer one operates without them, the more it seems like it was not you, but a different person.

      I was lucky that I never completely forgot who I was, never lost all my memories and even at my most problematic period, was mostly functional. I could drive a car, count my change at a store, and so on. Phone numbers, log in passwords, and other things once second nature became a constant and frustrating struggle. And the higher math that my income relied upon, well the term I used, “basket case,” pretty well sums it up. Anyone else would have fired me but since I was self-employed, that was not likely to happen.

      The good thing about writing software for your own company, like any type of royalties is that you are, when you are getting paid, you are getting paid in the present for work you did in the past. It takes awhile, if you are lucky, before not working completely wipes you out financially. That was inevitably coming, but there was little in the state I was in, that I could do about it. I could look at my source code for hours and still have almost no clue about where to start, so much of any one part meant remembering countless other interrelated parts, concepts, and procedures. I could follow a few lines of code at a time, but functions, sub-routines, complex algebra (and programming is mostly algebraic), and then I was like, “um, check please.”

      After a few months I could write simple things again, and after several months I could work somewhat again. But as I have written before, the upside was like getting a clean desk to start over with or on. With a lessened past and less perception of the future, I was living more in the “now” than ever in my life, and more than most get a taste of. My brain was literally having to relearn how to think, how to make new memories, what to categorize as important or worth remembering.

      In the beginning I was simply taking in everything possible with little to no discernment of what was important to remember. Taking in constantly too much superfluous information meant having to come up with new ways of categorizing things to remember them. Everything around me seemed so wondrous and amazing, and for most people it can always be so because you simply “get used” to everything, and I wanted to remember it all, absolutely everything. The early Notes I am coming to soon reflect that enthusiasm and complete and continuous state of constant wonder.

      It is not that I was not open to thinking such things before, and not having contemplated in abstract way such philosophical concepts before. But to have many expectations and perceptions of the future, and memories of the past, subdued for awhile and forced to relearn how to deal with life all over again robbed of many of the so-called “certainties” most people no longer even think about how they came to think that way anymore, having to live again without them and rebuild them anew all over again, it was immersive so to speak. That and actually being able to remember for a short while how I thought and saw things at younger ages with a clarity extremely rare because it was spotty and not the smooth segueing that happens continually as our thinking process change slowly over time with little notice.

      The first day after the continuous spinning stopped I called “Day One.”

 

That was written on Day 3000, and today is a few weeks after day 6000 by that count. For someone who really had no expectation of seeing many days at all after the accident, there have been quite a few that came after that one.

Writing, thinking, planning, all of these things were impaired because of the accident. I still went through with how I thought the political asylum could lead to something good, but definitely, I was working without a map, more-so than ever before in my life and it could not have happened at a more critical time.

I started writing short math-based stories compulsively. One of which became a contributing factor to everything that came after. It later became called 2D 3D 4D 5D Thinking Made Simple. Like many stories of that type, 2D people perceiving a 3D world, 3D people trying to perceive a 4D world or Universe, it was of the type of the famous Flatland story by Edwin Abott Abott. However, since I knew the political asylum attempt, as originally envisioned, would have been at best a successful failure, at least for me anyway, I looked again at that short story and began to see a framework that might be useful.

Since I had barely begun to get healthy again before getting hit by the car, I still did not realize I would be getting healthier substantially. It didn't matter if the political asylum might end for me, in the worse case scenario, with life imprisonment if I was about to be set up for something bad. I didn't think I was going to live that long anyway. More importantly before writing the stories I was trying to understand time, writing Time Roads, which was beyond me to even attempt. 

        But it is possible to use understanding of an extra dimension to describe and envision time better. People do it all the time. In that short story I became convinced that it was complicated enough that no one could really say WTF it was about. To me, I was just trying to understand time in a way that made sense to me since, other than thinking that story had potential, the accident made it nearly impossible to understand things before they were happening the way I had used to before the accident. I described it as "time blind" and "existing more in the now than ever before in my life."

There are better ways to describe this now, but it was both new, and fun, and scary to me all at the same time. As I said at the beginning of this, people want to know about what might happen in the future to prepare themselves for it, and no one wants to know everything before it happens. 

        Like most, I was somewhere in the middle. When you listen to people in any language you are fluent in, you are not parsing every word, you are following their stream of thought. Like a phone conversation that fades in and out, if you miss a few words here and there you can fill in the blanks because you are following where their words are leading, so you can miss a few steps now and then without a problem.

If you are dealing with someone you know well, you don't need to even hear everything they are going to say, once you get an idea of where they are going based upon knowing how they think. You can say after a few words, "I get it." Completing each others sentences is another common example. 

        With some people, not everyone, I can be slightly ahead of what they are saying if paying attention well enough, and in unusual to explain cases, when they pause and begin to talk about something else or suddenly take a different approach, I can "follow" along with them before they begin the new subject. When perceiving some things or people this way, the more time you spend with them, the more you know when their words and their thinking are in sync. More simple still, you know when they are lying.

As much as I could not explain how that story could have helped, it and the accident itself helped me realize like some people are gifted in math or music (I am in math but never developed it), my brain is good at processing higher than 3 dimensional concepts. And it is useful to use those examples to better understand time. Understanding time is important when you are doing something as extreme and as dangerous as what I was doing, with a severe disadvantage because I no longer had what was for me normal expectations of what might come from what I was doing or planning or attempting.

As mentioned, while sleeping on the plane I had a dream I was attending University in a school very much like the one I would be attending 4 months later. Before the plane landed I worked out how that was possible and what I needed to do to make that happen. Boston was where I landed and where my transcripts were. I got written recommendations to help get into a school and bought a new laptop which I could be sure had not been hacked into and what programs I would need to continue to work if my math ability came back. For security had a router which had a hardware firewall but I fried it as soon as I plugged it in in Belgium. I left the voltage adapter in the rental car in Boston and the plug adapter I was given luckily didn't fry my laptop. The router wasn't so lucky.

Because the schools I was applying to were close to Russia, I figured I might be able to go to Moscow, which I did. Like Tartu, having seen streets in Moscow in a movie, places in Moscow looked familiar to me, though I have never been there. While I may not be able to explain how I know things in advance, they do interest me when perceiving things a bit before they happen, how they will happen. I had no specific idea of how or when or in what circumstances I would apply for political asylum in France, though I had an inkling of how to do before the car accident. I had schools to apply to and an ever changing new path to try to sort out.

Since I didn't really see going to University as an option until I was actually accepted, I never really had to think or commit myself in any way until that bridge was ready to be crossed or not. Moscow was intense and confusing, but I was glad to have gone there. Obviously I could not have gone and would not have gone unless the Soviet Union fell and the United States was on good terms with Russia.

There was a comment by Glenn Greenwald on what Edward Snowden did with the doors, putting something in the door and have it fall into a tray of water to show if someone went in the room or not. The tray of water idea was new to me. As soon as I read that line, I immediately thought of Helsinki, Finland. Since I was going to be going into Russia, and since people trying to hack into my computer were not after an IP address but me specifically, I was now not only worried about people putting files on my computer remotely but having physical access to it whenever I left it behind in a hotel. If files were able to be placed on it without my knowledge before or after going into Russia, it would possibly be game over for life. So I did the door thing minus the water.

The reason Helsinki jumped into my mind when I read about that was somewhere in Finland there was probably video of my staring intently at the door in the hallway, opening it and closing it over and over. It, unlike doors in every other hotel, opened outwards into the hallway. What would Snowden do? Luckily I bought a set of screw drivers in Belgium to remove the hard drive if I didn't feel comfortable leaving it in the room, and this was the first time I had to use them.

There are times when people get an unwelcome glimpse of themselves doing something stupid. Like walking past a mirror when hurrying to leave after having sex with your spouse's best friend and almost getting caught, and thinking, is this really me? WTF am I doing? I never did that but since I didn't trust leaving the laptop in the hotel, and I was trying to get a visa to go into Russia, I had a similar walk-by-the-mirror moment. Now I am suddenly thousands of miles away abandoning an imploding software company after getting hacked/having hacker problems possibly from Russia in the middle of doing something I can't really explain to anyone right now (a planned political asylum in France?) and trying to walk into a Russian embassy carrying a hard drive. How easy is that to make look really, really bad? And while probably under surveillance already.

Such was my new so-called life. But the good news was I had not gotten dizzy enough to feel like falling over since Belgium and would not anymore from that point on. Months after the accident the dizzy spells started to decrease in frequency, and my memories were starting to clear up, which was helpful. The new reality I was confronting was weird.

Since I went by train into Russia, I had to make plans on how to get out of Russia and where to go next. I decided to go back to Lithuania and figure out what to do next once I got there. I had given up thinking by then that I could prevent anyone from putting files onto my computer either remotely or in person so I just had to hope that didn't happen. It was getting less fun thinking either way I might be stuck in Russia and that I wouldn't have any control over that. I'm still glad I went and never got to St. Petersburg, though the rest of my class did later. I very much wanted to see the Hermitage but was too poor to pay the field trip fee.

Lithuania was transitional. I never thought to be there but it was familiar as I had already been there and it was near the Universities which I applied to. I got a nice apartment and started studying Russian which was easy because there were lots of books in Russian and Russia/English dictionaries in stores, and some TV channels were in Russian. I bought a bicycle because riding a bike was now important to me (and a lot of fun) and it was helpful for regaining strength once my health started to return a few months earlier.

While I was riding my bike all around Vilnius, often I passed graffiti spray-painted in bad English message written on a wall, "Your life becomes more and more of adventure." You don't know the half of it, I would think when passing it. As I wrote in a paper in college a year later, the TV tower was important to me as I watched the storming of it on live TV on CNN during the independence struggle. I rode by it most days.

A major undertaking underway then for me was transcribing the story 2D 3D 4D 5D Thinking Made Simple onto a laptop because it was written in pen. I never really wrote fiction even though it was more math than fiction, and never had to edit anything before. I got the math wrong for one section and had to omit it because I simply continued writing once I realized the error. "Now I will explain why everything I just said isn't so." It wasn't good to leave all that in.

But it was in those three months which everything changed. I have covered in 2012 the Notes I wrote, Notes Part 2 to 6, at Truthrevival.org. However I said then that the original Notes, the ones from Lithuania, were too complicated to try to explain. That is true. In the beginning they were not even notes, just a series of drawings. 

        The story and trying to go beyond it to explain and understand time was more important to me than anything. In my head, I had gone far beyond any concepts I had written. I had no idea if I would have gotten into college or not, or how I would try to do what I set out to do in Paris. It didn't feel right, didn't feel like the time to do it, and I was actually getting better at what I was attempting through the notes.

I was drawing 4 dimensional shapes as a teenager and not even realizing that is what they were. To me they were just patterns that looked cool and were intriguing. The cover for Quadranine, my fourth book of poetry was a tesseract, without knowing the standard way to represent a tesseract or even that that was what I was drawing. I drew the same concept a different way. Before I left Maui early in that book project I realized if 3 dimensional space was curved the further away objects were their sides would begin to seem to bulge, and when they got to the halfway point (for a 2D curved universe, the South Pole if you were standing on the North Pole), all that objects surfaces would complete surround you (how every direction away from you would lead to a different side of an object on the South Pole) and be reversed from where you are, up would be down, left would be right and so on.

By November I could really understand curved 3 dimensional space and objects like tesseracts and could begin to mentally "stack" tesseracts and other 4D objects mentally. Eventually the Dual Earth concept of curved space was pretty much evident and I was painting a reverse earth on the inside of a fishbowl. The concept is that in a curved 3 dimensional universe any direction would lead back to earth but you would approach the opposite side from where you left. Going from the North pole to South and back you would return from the opposite direction. By putting a large backwards Earth over a smaller normal Earth is the same concept, and imagining a "ball" area in-between the two earths, that whole in-between globe would be a single point, just like the south pole would be a single point you would have to pass through halfway back to the north pole no matter which direction you choose to go in.

I didn't know if any of these concepts, or at least drawings or ways of expressing these concepts was known already but they are simple/stupid ways of repressing 4D spaces and how multiple overlapping 4D objects such as Tesseracts and other objects would interact. I wasn't trying to understand any of that really, just how to use that to explain how I and other people can know, in my case mostly past tense, things which had not happened yet. I had by that time four different theories about time which sort-of made sense but ultimately none was applicable. Whatever I was trying to figure out, I knew I had more or less failed by my intended deadline, January 1st, 2004.

  As I wrote about it on May 3rd, 2007...

and every single point on a 'ball' or curved 2D plane of points half way in-between the Earths would be exactly the same spot. I was pretty full of myself for figuring that out, and since when leaving Lithuania I would be walking into a relatively unknown and potentially very precarious situation, I posted everything I figured out, all of what would later be called the 5D notes done up until that date (Part 1), to two physics newsgroups in January 2004 before I got on the plane, and figured anyone trying to figure out what I was doing would at least have something interesting to read. If any of it made any sense, someone somewhere would figure it out. Much of what I was doing was inter-connected, at least to me at the time.

As I said, Lithuania was transitional. I had to let go of the plan that I knew would not work in hopes that whatever new road had appeared out of two fakes was worth taking. I wasn't really that much or as committed to trying to get political asylum to talk about the war/war crimes as I was before, and how that war was risking a far greater calamity if the direction was not changed, and soon. I wasn't that committed to it because I had no idea how to do that anymore. I was not as sure of myself as I was before getting hit by the car and my ability to anticipate how to adapt to the very risky thing to attempt while it was ongoing, to try to steer it or to attempt to get ahead of it. That ability was damaged. I simply wasn't ready.

College by comparison I could handle. From month to month, I was not sure how long financially I could continue. Luckily it seemed the people trying to hack into my computer were predictable enough to do so while I was now under surveillance and were less a problem for me probably because of that. I suspected the obvious but computers could be hacked back then and those computers be used to try to hack into yours or others. Knowing where the attacks were coming from was useless because those computers could have been hijacked themselves.

The story of 2D 3D 4D etc. which began as some sort of pseudo-science bluff, helped me understand concepts needed to explain or understand curved time, a universe which repeats itself in different ways, which would explain how events can repeat and people can know them before they happen, yet can also be changed. Deja vu, premonitions, prophesies, etc. are a part of human consciousness and history and are not suddenly invalid because "science" and at least in the US, living under a government very much intent on controlling all explanations of everything, even if those explanations are obviously false. A lot of "debunking" organizations have strange funding, and what exactly is the point of why a government is funding them is should be questioned. I am not getting into such things now.

As I wrote in January 2014 about this decision to change course, not going back to France, I was always second guessing if it was the right thing to do. The longer I waited, the more things could go wrong, and what I was aiming to do would never happen. And if any good could come from it at all, how would always waiting, always delaying be justified? More people died every month.

As I said then also, I thought the longer I delayed hopefully I might see a more effective way to do it. I thought by graduating (which was unexpected in the beginning that I would have ever gotten that far) and getting a graduate degree, perhaps my words would have carried more weight. That idea seemed fanciful and just more excuses to delay and more chances to chicken out.

About a year in, and a year before the political asylum attempt, I was more functional, more able to anticipate things better which had not happened yet, even though I was still in a situation I had little control over. Either I went through with it or I would have had absolutely nothing to show for the time wasted, except getting better/healing, getting a degree in Politics, seeing lots of countries, meeting interesting people, etc. And I began to see maybe what I had not seen since getting hit by the car, a way for it to make a difference.

I had always meant to talk about the illegality of the war, warn against exponentially increasing it by adding Iran to the mix, torture, lots of bad things to be bringing up when the government was all but warning/threatening people not to talk about such things. As Bush himself said, "Americans must now be careful what they say." 

        But then when I wrote the words "RC Principle" in my notes a year before I wrote the real thing, I saw truly something very scary ahead. If I can't talk about what is illegally going on now, I can instead talk about what was done in the past, sort of admitted to, completely inexcusable and illegal beyond scale or measure, and then state the obvious. That what is going on now (2003-2005) goes beyond even these things. 

        It was a year before it became reality, before it was written out, but man did it have potential. The whole idea was using the asylum attempt to get out a warning which could not be ignored, hopefully would be passed up the full chain of command at the CIA and relevant agencies, and that paper, though unthinkable to be written as I then imagined it, could rock their world and shake things up if I made it that far to be able to write it at the right time. Even when realizing the potential of possibly doing that, I still was not 100% committed until that time came. But it was coming.

Things started going wrong in the summer of 2005. My income went too low to get a student visa. That brought up an indelible end date, November 2005. I would have 3 months of relative normalcy of going to Graduate School for Political Sociology before time ran out on a tourist visa. I appreciated being in a "Western" European country compared to an "Eastern" European country though those distinctions are starting to fade as Europe becomes more integrated. I often asked Germans if the distinctions in Germany itself were still a part of daily life and then, 15 years ago, they admitted though not as pronounced, there were significant differences. 

All the good things I took for granted, fresh orange juice, peanut butter (available but too expensive in the east), were now available but I could no longer afford them. I never had been as poor or as hungry (yet) as I was in those months leading up to the political asylum. I would look at pastry in the supermarket with my mouth watering daydreaming about being able to eat one, before buying plain baguettes. My protein was hot dogs, my sugar was Frosted Flakes, and daily my staple was peanut butter on soft tacos. When I told an instructor how happy I was when I had to wait to meet someone, that they offered me a banana. It was years since I had a banana and it would have been really unthinkable to ever buy one, yet they gave it away for free! He felt sorry for me and gave me some sort of bread/cracker.

My brain was back but now my body was starting to suffer from not getting enough food, but the finish line was so close, yet so far away. The subject matter was extremely interesting, why revolutions happen and the name of the curriculum, "Why Revolt?". It was good to study the "Colored Revolutions" then more recent, including Ukraine's first, which was to be the topic of my graduate thesis. I wanted to compare that with the attempted coup against Chavez in Venezuela. I was weakened, but I was as me as ever.

As the clock ticked into November and my 3 month deadline was approaching I used school computers as well my own to research where the embassies were located in 
Stockholm as a backup option. After my failure at the French Embassy in Estonia 10 months earlier, the first political asylum attempt, I wanted to telegraph what I was doing so it would not come as much of a surprise as the first one was. I even used the school printers to print maps to the embassies, though I had less intention of using them as I was still hoping to go to a regular immigration office. But getting there was another problem, if even a banana was an unthinkable extravagance.

Hitching a ride wasn't exactly legal in Sweden at the time and I had to do things strictly by the book since I was, should I had been allowed to do that, committing myself to a legal process and doing something illegal to get to the office was a surefire way to create an easy obstacle. There was a pastor/priest on campus and I went to him to try to get funding for the train ticket which was my final seemingly insurmountable obstacle. I told him the truth of course, as much as I could. I told him I was trying to obtain political asylum against the United States and I could not say why. I told him the whole point of doing so was to get something on record, that it had to do with the war and what was going on, and I thought that if I was able to do that, somehow something good might come of it, someday, maybe. He could not help me himself but the church would meet with me, and then vote.

They met with me and told me what I already knew, getting political asylum in Sweden, then in 2005, was next to impossible. Obviously people who know the situation in Sweden in 2019, would not really understand that. Sweden changed its policies drastically regarding political asylum. Their influx in recent years is the highest in Europe with several percentage points of immigrants added to their population every year. Americans might still find it impossible as there are obviously other considerations why they would not allow it compared to refugees whose countries would not necessarily mind their leaving. 

As I wrote in Traps, Churches in Europe on September 17th, 2012 after mentioning Notre Dame and other great cathedrals...

          And obviously, one church stands out to me more than the others because they helped me so much when I so much needed help. Americans are strange in some respects. We believe in charity, (or at least used to, the greed and smear-the-poor culture has meta-sized), but do not like to take it ourselves. There are always others who need it more, we tend to think...

  

          When I met with a church about needing help with the asylum thing, they were obviously skeptical to say the least. Americans are not your average people needing help like that and something like that was highly unusual. It did not help that I could not say much about why. I said that I am trying to get something on record, something which cannot be erased and if I did so, I thought something good might come of it. I could guarantee nothing but that I was a committed to trying to do something, and I needed help.

          They eventually had a vote, and decided to help me with tickets, for which I am grateful and hope to repay in a direct way rather than indirect way someday. But what also to me was like a gift from God, they gave me food right before Christmas. I, like most Americans, hated the idea of taking charity, but it was food, it was needed badly. And if you want others to give help, sometimes you need to help them help others by accepting the help when offered. Christmas Lasagna! Not very traditional but one of my first real meals in months.

  

          People are imperfect, churches are imperfect. Their monuments, cathedrals, golden shines, etc. are designed to dazzle people, impress them, and one could even write them off as just other corporations. But whether they use the good in people, or they bring out good in people, it is not always easy to tell. But they symbolize what is good about people and they are, when they don’t get too involved in politics or their own survival as paramount, they are a sometimes forgotten reminder of each person’s bond to each other. However far the hierarchies stray from that, there is still usually always somewhere behind them, the local church people who are the backbone, the rock, the Christ waiting to do good.

So it was on then. After waiting more than 2 years, going to University, getting smart again after the accident, I finally was able to throw myself into the maelstrom I envisioned as soon as Bush made his boycott France speech. Then someone at AOL quickly replaced my place in recommended programs with a picture of a *ucking mime, and two weeks later I had no orders, no more software company to speak of and a shitload of debt. But I did see a light, glimmering half a world and months a way, a way to convert. To use what really sucked for me, to improbably use this whole shitty mess to a deliver a message directly to the heart of the now heartless deep state (actually in 2005 there was still a lot of good people left in the State Dept, CIA and relevant agencies. The continuing purges of people of conscience was stepped up greatly under Obama/Clinton. But back then there was hope appealing upwards, though highly unlikely that it might actually reach someone in a position to do some good. At least more than now by comparison.)

One of my instructors after the first political asylum attempt had been high up in the State Department and CIA, and they were no doubt aware this was coming because I did my best to telegraph it as best I could, but then of course I had to deliver, convert, take my years of cultivating an attempt to turn it around by saying everything no one wanted to hear and hitting every third rail of what must never be said and hard as possible, and then maybe they might understand what I was trying to do (and probably dislike me even more). Scary and fun. It was written non-stop before I went to bed and took about 5 hours maybe.

From April 18th 2007... (RCP Complete)

  It was last-ditch, throwing everything I hoped to accomplish over years into one missive, one punch.

        As I have said in it above and in anything written about it, it is always a question of what to say and what not to say. I don't think it was as successful as I hoped, nor that it was ineffectual. It simply ended up like pushing everything back to be settled later. When I think of the ongoing problems it tried to address, I say later is not good enough, but that is not yet my call. I can think I should have tried harder, maybe if I said something more or said something differently, clearer results would have been possible. It was, I think, appropriate for the time.

        At the time I was about to try to obtain political asylum. It was well known both in my government, the United States, and in the country I applied to, that that was what I was going to do. If I got that far, to be registered, some measure of protection would go with that status, that of a political asylum seeker. That modicum of protection, real or imaginary, against possible retribution, real or imaginary, that my country might take for my trying to speak strongly about such things, freed me up to put as much into that paper as I dared, thinking if I handed it in with my asylum application, at least someone would read it, no matter what might have happened to me next. That idea that a record would be preserved which could not be as easily wiped out as people can be, emboldened me.

        I had no idea before applying of what it would entail in regard to citizenship, only that if it was accepted that I could stay longer, and that I might have to forfeit my US citizenship, which I would not have wished to do. The potential reaction of my government was the ultimate wild-card because under the present (Bush 2) Administration, it has all the understanding and intelligence of a rabid dog, so returning might not have been possible either. Those who doubt that, that might call it paranoia, there are American citizens who simply have traveled abroad who cannot return without being told why, just as there are thousands who are not allowed to fly on airlines without being told why. At least if there was unwarranted blowback for me, unlike those others, I would have at least had an idea of why.

        I can say what it was not. It was not a stunt, not a bid for attention, not an attempt to evade anything. It was a legitimate request which ironically became more legitimate because of asking, that going out on a limb, and having it granted becoming more necessary the more likely it would have been to be accepted. Because it was not likely to be accepted without "permission" from my own country, it de-escalated. It ended up like a game of chicken in which neither side had to blink because the parameters changed. I was in a situation I would have rather had avoided but was determined to get to a hearing to put as much on record as I could, even if it was not to be made public, and that to get there I was willing to risk everything.

        So on November 13, 2005, I wrote the Radioactive Cereal Principle as a supplement to my political asylum application, not the first time I felt I was writing for my life, but more intense. I gave it with the paperwork the next morning. It took a lot of trips to Stockholm and probably discussions behind the scenes to 'allow' me to apply for political asylum in Sweden.

        France, where I should have been allowed to apply and even should have been allowed to be transferred to under the Dublin Convention (France was the first EU country I entered) wisely wanted no part of it, especially since under their law they probably would have had to grant it, or at the very least have given me a hearing. More friction with the US or being set up for embarrassment from the US they did not want and blocked it.

        The Venezuelan Embassy, with their country even more in a bad position in regards to my country's behavior and threats, (Chavez was saying that week that France had just told him he was about to be invaded or attacked) more or less prevented me from even going inside, having someone at the door repeatedly saying they were closed when calling repeatedly said they were open. It was probably wise as there is no telling what might have been erroneously alleged I might have said if I gone in. Yet by such repeated attempts to apply somewhere, almost anywhere, I showed I was not going to back down, and then was helped to apply for asylum there in Sweden before trying other raw nerves such as the Russian or Cuban embassies.

       And then, everything began shifting under my feet. That day the Army admitted to using White Phosphorus as a weapon. Later the New York Times broke the story on the not yet re-named "Terrorist Surveillance Program", aka the felonious illegal wiretapping at the direction of the President program, tripping off a few months of a constant barrage of scandals any one of which would have and should have brought down any other government by forcing resignations. 

        And that was the key to why I am still alive, at least so far. I knew only how to enter the vortex, the maelstrom, the black hole of actually doing what I had set out for so long and rehearsed over and over in my head. When is the best time? How long will I have to prepare? But I had no idea what the other side of that would look like. Pretty much I just assumed I'd be shot, no joke. Whoever thought it was a good thing to have the army admit that, that day of all times, not a leak, a statement, over the howls of the State Department still saying it was not true, that was something that made me have to rethink what I was going to do next. Was there any way to back out of this situation I was in now that I had done what I had hoped to do, deliver a message and then see what happens after that, if anything, for me?

From June 2006

         Given the time restraints and the certainty of failure I tried to say as much as I could as quickly as I could and as safely as I could. The night before handing in the asylum the request, I wrote The Radioactive Cereal Principle, which was a thumbnail overview of what had been driving me to take such a course. That was included as a semi-explanation with my request.

         But nothing happens in a static world. You cannot think just because you do something today, the world will not be or not do something else you had not intended tomorrow. I was frustrated because nothing was getting through the wall of dis-information of the corporate media affecting how Americans were being told how to think of what was going on...

        Yet everything began to change from the moment I began the asylum process, and these changes began to take the wind out of my sails. On the very day I requested asylum, the Pentagon admitted to using White Phosphorous against people for purposes other than to increase visibility, in other words, in using it as a weapon against people intentionally in direct violations international bans on chemical weapons, bans which like land mines, bans to which the US has not signed. (This was mentioned in RCP)

         That the Pentagon came clean about it over the protests of the State Department is telling to how bad and dangerous the situation in Washington has deteriorated. If there ever was to be a department of Peace to balance the Pentagon's Department of War, it would have to be the State Department. Yet it was the State Department which had endlessly lied and propagandized to the media saying what they knew to be untrue, that the US was not using such weapons against people intentionally in combat situations.  

         When you have the only branch of the US government which is supposed to be trying to take a diplomatic approach to peaceful solutions run by those who would so openly and brazenly misinform the public and press about the conduct of a war, lying to a point against which even those committing such excesses who will not go so far as to lie about it, you have to wonder who in the world the world has to turn to to negotiate peace when those whose jobs it is to work on such peace deals may want it on terms 100% known to be unacceptable for the other side, and advocate methods of warfare even the most militaristic branches of the government are not comfortable about lying about. Whether they are uncomfortable about doing it, they are not allowed to say, doing it is their job, but unlike the political appointees, are not so comfortable with lying, deceiving the American people, and endlessly covering it up.

From November 4th, 2007, 2 years to the day after writing RCP..

          The original RCP, I am pleased to admit, I did not think once of myself before writing it and trying to get it out there. Only with the second one, RCP2, did I pause to think, what would writing this mean to myself and my life should things go badly, and things going well after that was never in any way likely whatsoever. As I said many times, getting it on record was solely the point, and what happened after that was up to anyone or everyone else. My life at the time, not that anyone necessarily would believe it, was not even much of a consideration. 

          What I omitted from that was only due to not wishing to "accidentally" increase what I thought I was trying to work or speak out against. They are often connected, and often it is the case, too often to count, that you make worse the things you tell yourself or others you are trying to avoid or lessen. Sometimes, often, that is out of your control, the effects, but when you know them or sense them, or damn well should or ought to try to know or sense them, you must take that into consideration because otherwise, you are a liar to yourself.

          Was there any point or effect to writing RCP? Outside of my own life, I cannot gauge and no one has yet claimed otherwise, it made little if any difference. The timing of lots of things, some still yet to happen, sure seemed to have gotten changed around. 

          For me, after a nasty bit, there was no gigantic retribution for having done so, the greatest threat to Low Fruit. But then yet there are always every day endless new potentials for other yet-to-be invented new shoes which might drop, so all I know that it did for me was to open up a little space in time where I could write a little while longer...

          Yet reality is never shut out completely, even in the most extreme instances referred to above. One must know and constantly be working to suppress what one knows but is choosing not to acknowledge. This knowledge becomes fear, becomes dread, becomes the dark recesses of where we choose we ought not to look at what we as individuals or as groups, societies, countries, or cultures, are doing to others. And worst of all, that knowing or acknowledging that we have surrendered our right to question it openly and effectively without fear. 

          Dying is easy then, when having to live daily in denial at the obvious and increasingly frequent greater and growing injustices, and with the ever changing definitions of the official Newspeak insanity, and still yet choosing to think or consider oneself a rational being. It becomes then, the living is what is hard. Unless of course, you batten down the hatches, forget about any or all possible consequences, and try to let out on (what you think are) the right occasions what you know that others, by choosing not to acknowledge will get themselves, and possibly yourself too, killed.

So after having been able to write the first one, I still had no idea if it would prove effective. In Star Wars parlance, did it go in, or did it just impact on the surface? Did it make any difference how I spent my last 2 years waiting to do this? Remaining where I was may not have been an option, but its probable I might had found something a little less scary to have been doing, though definitely not as fun and hopefully possibly meaningful. All of that would be determined by the reaction to it which I did not control and could not influence in any way.

But there was another one waiting in the wings. Unable to tell if I went too far with the first one or just far enough not to get killed, the second one was still out there, figuratively speaking, since it only existed in my head. Should I go further than the unthinkable, but good things mentioned in the first one? If it was going to fail, a second one was a second time at bat, a chance to drive the first one home so to speak.

The purpose of the second one was defined by the meaning of the trip to discuss why political asylum was desired. While I discussed verbally in person things mentioned here, the Bush boycott, how it affected me, the meaning of the mime photo which was probably now taken down years ago, which was why waiting so long really made it less likely if it ever had been remotely likely to happen. So the second one had a different purpose, since I was presenting this in a different context.

        And because I was caught off-guard by the admission about using white-phosphorus in battle situations, I really had no clue what was going on in Washington at this point. The second paper was my chance to dial it back a notch and hope that people in the US government were smart enough to get that message. I was discrediting myself intentionally, but not by lying, but by simply flooding the truth in an unbelievable way. After leading with the unthinkable truths, I would follow with unbelievable truths.

I wrote a few years back about my father accusing me loudly, "YOU LIE!"

Indignant and angered at the accusation, I shot back "I DON'T LIE!"

He countered with, "You don't tell the truth!"

Game over, I lost.

I understand the intelligence services because before they recently, more overtly completely outright 180 degree from reality say things that are absolutely without a shred of truth to them, they technically lied. You could read between the lines. Politicians sometimes still do it. They lie using the truth. Sometimes I knew things about people I could not tell them. If I thought they should not do things, I would try to keep them from making mistakes without being able to tell them why. I would hide things from them for reasons I thought that were in their own interest, and yes, on occasion I would mislead to cover my own ass but it was rare and I usually felt bad about it.

So yes, I was offended at the suggestion I outright lied to him. Mislead, misdirected, a lot of things neither telling the truth nor outright lying. I thought only stupid people would have to lie when the middle ground is so freaking big. Was it honest, no. Was it the truth, only technically.

So with the second paper I would and did go well beyond the crimes mentioned in the first RCP, but at the same time in a way that did not necessarily beg to be believed. If it is atomized and dissected bit by bit, I did not lie. Every word is true and did happen, but by putting two things next to each other, you imply there is a correlation or why would you be doing that? So I hoped that people who lie for a living might had noticed the second one was dialed down without being obvious about it. 

Was there an MKULTRA program that did lots of terrible things. Yes, and not just because popular series on Netflix turn America's worst mistakes into fictional yet entertaining bullshit? Do I think I was in such a program? Probably not. Is it more than a little creepy that some people were doing unpublished ESP research and tests on 6-year olds involving hypnotism? Absolutely. While some claim hypnotism can increase accuracy, it still does not explain who would have been doing such things and why there were such studies done but not published.

I talked about Russian hackers, I talked about sudden memory loss leading to doing weird things like trying to get political asylum in other countries while talking about the worst things the US ever did. Everything I said was absolutely true, to a point. Did the hackers/alleged hackers have anything to do with what was going on? Tangentially. It was an impetus for me to not wait and something that was happening around the same time. 

        If I had not intended on doing the political asylum before getting hit by the car, if that suddenly came up when I could not remember things, "oh, I think now I will go do all those crazy things because I can't remember anything else," then it would have been more like what I wrote sounded like, if one did not parse my words. Despite all that, was I trying to get answers as to who those people were, and was I willing to go extreme lengths to find that out? Yes.

More simply put, I did not lie about anything with RCP2, I simply watered it down with somewhat less relevant truths. The purpose of it was to make sure the original RCP was seen, read, taken seriously, and hopefully listened to.

In the original...

           While claiming the US does not stand for torture, Bush has just now openly said anyone who would speak out in favor of limiting his ability to order the torture of others as "unpatriotic". He has also recently warned others not to try to "revise history" on the reasons we went to war with Iraq when it has been proven that he was lying. Don't try to effect an established lie by trying to bring in, let out, or try to find the truth, he says. He thinks he has the power to create reality, and the power given to him by the media fondling and dependable as clockwork cover-ups gives him due reason to be delusional.

           Whereas the United States used to have a representative list of which countries respected human rights and which were abusers, we now have a hypocritical list that many to most nations would say we belong at the top of as the worst abuser. Bush has almost openly yet coyly bragged about how will stop at nothing, even torture, and the press has been complicit by hardly raising an objection to the official state-line insanity. Overseas, we have pressured other countries to curtail civil rights, even encouraged martial law and the suspension of legal processes, almost worldwide, in the name of the War on Terror.

           Even while fostering an anything goes policy within the CIA, the administration has shown itself willing to try to force reports to be doctored to its political objectives, ignored anything they do not wish to hear, been arrested for divulging state secrets to score political points, and creates fall guys (to be well-rewarded later) to tell them the lies they want to hear to justify wars of aggression and profiteering. Anyone who has studied the fall of the USSR like I have can tell you, it was the same atmosphere of invulnerability and willingness to ignore legitimate intelligence over what it only wished to hear and be told which caused it to collapse.

           America has in less than 4 years gone from being a country respected and admired all over the world, even among Islamic nations and peoples, to a country reviled and thought to be the greatest enemy or threat to peace and stability in the World, and that is just among our friends and allies publics! The rest REALLY hate us now. Bush has purposely played the part of a firebug to start incendiary policies bound to exacerbate tensions and problems around the World so he can portray himself as a hero for standing up to them. Milosovich comes to mind as having played the same game, much to his country's detriment.

..A void is growing and a polarization against both the US and World institutions has never greater threatened America and its interests, and it is all being self-inflicted. The world needs America more than it realizes, but the America it needs needs to get its shit together, and soon, or both America and the world will have lost the best chance at long-term stability in exchange for a few hundred extra billions of dollars of short-term profits.

The second one despite being written non-stop all-night straight to the end with no revisions still managed to work in some very good points while remaining highly factual, technically.

From RCP2..

I leave it for incompetent journalists paid on the side by the government to try to get the truth about things my government is currently doing which it should not do, and legally cannot do yet constantly does, and could not survive the truth coming out's light of day if they ever did come out. Yet none of those involved see those cover-ups protecting crimes or subversions of the Constitution, diversion of Congressional oversight or powers, or for advancing what can only be described as One-Man-Rule as being even illegal anymore, anymore than bribing reporters is thought to be illegal anymore. I did say in Part One though that I believe if not for those cover-ups, Bush would have by-now gone out of history the same way as Hitler, by a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head. And I stand by that, and all who prevent him from having to do that by continuing covering these things up for him, his administrations highest most indefensible crimes, destroy not only everything America used to stand for, but its economy and security as well. Polsci.com was my direct line, not to the Russians, the hackers, or the world, though hopefully such outsiders if they had been watching could have preserved some of it if I disappeared, it was my direct line to the CIA itself, required reading so to speak, a captive audience. But they are programmed even better than I was. 

  ..and that it is forever denied, deniable, means it is never lessened, never slowed, and certainly never stopped. The secrecy is its protector, its parent, its God. Attacking the entire notion that such things can be done privately and not have it affect you, taint you, poison your very culture, that is the only way to gain back any ground which is lost every second of every day anyone is convinced it is better, safer, prudent, to look the other way and not ask tough if not suicidal questions. The only thing that makes those questions suicidal, like those who would challenge a bad regime, is that most are cowered away from doing so out of fear of losing their homes, their jobs, their children, their lives, or the lives of their families. That is what the terrorists hope to make you afraid of. It is also what governments, especially my own at times, like to hold over you as well to keep you from looking where you should not into things it decides for its own reasons and its own protection alone, that you should never find out about. ..

 

           I am not claiming to be a victim nor a saint. I saw an opportunity to expose a few things and went for it without reservation for my own reasons, and because circumstantially it was so clear it could lead to something good in the end, and that if exposed it would be worth whatever I might have risked to get there. And not doing so, like not writing this, was actually riskier. ..

            If my country had the same guidelines in how they approach the War on Terror, they would have a lot less problems and be due a lot more respect. Instead they have the antipathy and disgust of the world and that was not paid for on the cheap either, but at the cost of everything we had done a pretty good PR job to them and to ourselves on what we really stood for. We still keep up the rhetoric, but it is becoming every day more and more an obscene farce. 

           We don't torture. We just watch others do it for us and pay the plane fare to get them there and do the kidnapping of them to get them there, in countries that have nothing to do with what they are accused of, not that formal charges have to be made. When you cannot see yourself for what you are, you have less compunction about telling everyone else how great you are, even after you slowly become a hideous monster covered in blood, trying to publicize and sell other countries on the "positive" benefits of torture, martial law, pre-emptive wars, the suspension of civil rights, privacy rights, and of course, human rights, all the while proclaiming that you are the greatest champion of these rights and protections on earth, and everyone ought to thank you for all the great work you do in the cause to promote them. 

            For those who knew how to read RCP2, it was just as damning and as good as the first one, just less obvious about making those points. I left the government a lot of outs so they did not have reason to refute anything I said. (Just ignored, forgotten, vanished.) That was appreciated. It also had the added objective for me to be left alone. After that it was highly unlikely I would had been pressured/blackmailed to work for the government in any way whatsoever. If I wasn't going to be told the truth, like everyone else, then I was done. I did what I set out to do, and there was nothing more I could do.

From RCP Complete, April 18th, 2007...

        But I still was not about to give up. I thought I might get a hearing still in December and was given a date to supposedly make a statement. Hoping I would get a chance to get something else on record, I wrote The Radioactive Cereal Principle Part II, or RCP2, the day before the interview, on December 7th, and tried to go much further, far enough I thought that it would not have been possible to turn back. "If I hand this in," I thought, "I may never have any free choices ever again," the course of my life would be preset, determined by that one choice.

        This time I emailed it a bunch of places first. Again, I just wanted a record of it preserved if things did not go well for me for having written it, to say the least. And then the wait began, a long agonizing silence while my fate was being decided. I don't know if I said too much or too little but most likely the right amount. With possibly some negative repercussions eventually let up, I was allowed back, so evidently did not go too far. I am comfortable that I was not intimidated or afraid to push it as hard as prudently possible, so I don't think I pulled back too much either. From the outset, I was told getting asylum was virtually impossible, so that caused me to see it in that light. But even knowing that, being on record was the point and not backing down was the point.

        Months in limbo later, the situation in the US was greatly different. Everything was in flux. An excerpt from a letter here written at the end of February 2006 sums up the frustration I felt of being in a helpless situation, with my life and fate to be decided by others.

February 2006 Letter...

A decision has already been made if I can stay or not, and it is unlikely that I will. Where to go from there is the question. I may be allowed to apply for a job and visa to a third neutral country, but there is probably no such thing as a neutral country now. As Bush has said, you are either with us or against us, Americans too if you don't approve of what he is doing, so there is little chance an acceptable middle ground might be found on where I may go that the US and I would agree on. Europe I thought was an acceptable middle ground but it may just not work out. Just because my asylum request was turned down, if it was, may not necessarily the end of the line for me. A compromise which would allow me to go to a different country where I could work or go to school may be floated. I am hoping it is only matter of months now until Bush steps down and some semblance of normalcy and accountability sets in, but that is unlikely to happen, if at all, in a timeframe for me to stay here or go back there comfortably enough to want to stay without looking over my shoulder constantly. Until then, me and the government are not on the same page while appealing upwards is actually deeper into the heart of the corruption. I have made my case as best I can without a hearing, and may get one. Getting a hearing was the whole point since I left, and might actually get one if I get to appeal the decision to have to leave. I have been able to say most of what I wanted to in The Radioactive Cereal Principle Parts One and Two, so I can hope I did my best even if it amounts to nothing. At a recent protest here with Palestinians on a hunger strike, it was suggested by one person's opinion, "you know, no matter what they say about promising you secrecy, they turn over everything you say to the CIA." "I know", was all I answered. That that was what I was counting on and the whole point, I wanted to add. I said as much in RCP2, and much since then has just been having to wait and see where things settle and where the new level is to be found. Nothing I can do but go where I am told and do what is asked and see where it leads to, if anywhere. It has been work, and it has been fun. I really did like riding my bike a lot and miss that. Either my little adventure of the last few years is winding down or just getting started. That is up to others to decide what I am worth and if I will be given something worthwhile to do for a country I feel inclined to work to help. Unfortunately it is unlikely the US has much or anything to offer me that can make me forget the past or present situation until all, or at least the worst, that Bush has done has been exposed or admitted to. Then we will be on the same page again. Until then, will work for peace for food and shelter wherever outside of US control, and it seems here is not in that category or just don't like me enough to hear all I had to say. Such is life. Mahalo and aloha. 

-- 

Jared :'>

Timeline Surfer / Reality Tourist

Those who do not control what they know are machines, spoon fed

You are at least as strong as whatever you choose to stand up to,
 and stronger than whatever cannot make you afraid.        

RCP and Two Years After, the Very Changed World Continues - November 4, 2007 

          I have written a lot of posts here now at TruthRevival.Org. I am proud of each. My main web site is down again and will be for awhile, partially for financial reasons, partially by choice. That site, PolSci.com, and this blog, and my other blog (For Those Who Never Had It) are intertwined because the blog posts are later improved a bit (grammatically corrected), and cataloged over at PolSci.com. The (previously referred to) Fall 2007 "issue" will be moved back to Winter 2007, and, if then at all, released at that time.

          For those who might get to see the corrected posts there, they would be able to see how they intertwine. The Bicycle Race post here was simply most of the times I referred to bike riding in my papers and notes, which had all been included at PolSci.com. Those bicycle references cut across some strange and different times, and the future, should George W. Bush and Dick Cheney decide to accept it, will probably hold much stranger things and times, and hopefully genetic mutants will not be among them (hopefully for a good few decades at least).

          I count among those writings, three essays which I am most proud of, and because that site is down, and may never return, I will post an excerpt of one still up elsewhere below. And of the one not up at all (but inconceivable now to be vanished completely) I will put up below in its entirety since, for the moment, is not available anywhere else, and since this is its second anniversary. 

          These three essays are not the kinds of things one could put on a resume or refer to on college application, not that college is likely for me to be resumed anytime soon, but they are definitely what I am most proud of at this point in time, politically speaking. They are, in chronological order, the original Radioactive Cereal Principle (RCP) (November 13th 2005), Constitution Cola (May 30th 2006), and When I Think I Might Never See Hawaii Again (September 24th, 2006).

          The original RCP, I am pleased to admit, I did not think once of myself before writing it and trying to get it out there. Only with the second one, RCP2, did I pause to think, what would writing this mean to myself and my life should things go badly, and things going well after that was never in any way likely whatsoever. As I said many times, getting it on record was solely the point, and what happened after that was up to anyone or everyone else. My life at the time, not that anyone necessarily would believe it, was not even much of a consideration. 

          What I omitted from that was only due to not wishing to "accidentally" increase what I thought I was trying to work or speak out against. They are often connected, and often it is the case, too often to count, that you make worse the things you tell yourself or others you are trying to avoid or lessen. Sometimes, often, that is out of your control, the effects, but when you know them or sense them, or damn well should or ought to try to know or sense them, you must take that into consideration because otherwise, you are a liar to yourself.

          Was there any point or effect to writing RCP? Outside of my own life, I cannot gauge and no one has yet claimed otherwise, it made little if any difference. The timing of lots of things, some still yet to happen, sure seemed to have gotten changed around. 

          For me, after a nasty bit, there was no gigantic retribution for having done so, the greatest threat to Low Fruit. But then yet there are always every day endless new potentials for other yet-to-be invented new shoes which might drop, so all I know that it did for me was to open up a little space in time where I could write a little while longer.

         Constitution Cola, the second one I mention above, was written out of anger. It was passionate, and was very well done, but that I can pretty much say had no effect whatsoever. It inspired no one. It made no difference to have written it, but it made me feel better. The anger was in at the Supreme Court’s throwing up a blockade against whistleblowers against Bush/Cheney. Not that the Republican and then Democratic Congresses where not all too eager to join them and make all the bad accusations of "crimes" go away and make the "crimes" not even crimes anymore. 

          Attorney General Alberto Gonzales had at that time recently been accused of blackmail by the Speaker of the House Dennis Hassert, a Republican no less, and the mainstream Press, the veritable Fourth Estate of government, the safeguard of Democracy, well they just sort of yawned. 

          Well, maybe they just knew they only had left their right to remain silent because he had just also warned/threatened reporters that he would arrest them if they pursued the illegal wiretapping program allegations, or any other ongoing illegal programs. And not too subtly let it be known their cell phones, among other things, had been tapped all along.

          The third thing I mentioned that I am most proud of, and will include an excerpt of below, is When I Think I Might Never See Hawaii Again. It was good, it was from the heart, and it was trying to imbue a perspective that our glorious leadership cannot for the life of them fathom, what if this is all there is? What if they never see their hometowns again, their children again? 

          For people (Congress) supposedly reacting out of constant fear thrown at them, fear of their constituents thinking they are weak, fear of a right wing press that even Republican lawmakers admit being terrorized by, fear of terrorist attacks, but seemingly completely without fear of handing over every last scrap of power the mythical magical wondrous "Founders" gave to their positions and legislative bodies.

          Seemingly their jobs now are to tear the Constitution to shreds, put little pieces of it into things called "bills" to send to the President so he can veto them and make its destruction, piece by piece, the new law of the land. 

          Habeas Corpus? (The right to some sort of charge and a trial before being imprisoned (and tortured), not even now, "indefinitely") A bill, not a writ, not a "self-evident right," or according the Attorney General, not even a right at all. Congressional approval needed to attack Iran? A Constitutional mandate or directive, and a foundation of our Republic? No, sing it from School House Rock, "I’m just a bill, a little ol’ bill, but I might be a law, … someday." Smack down veto threat, and little ol’ bill (and Separation of Powers) goes away. Not today thank you, can’t tie his hands. Can’t let a Declaration of War make the world an unambiguous place without undeclared wars, unrecognized occupations, and unmentionable, literally, US war crimes.

          The fear that motivates Congress and America these days is not even good fear. What are good fears you ask? Good fears make you act to eliminate what you are afraid of. Common sense you cannot eliminate terrorists if terrorists can become anyone or anyone can become a terrorist. 

          You cannot spy on everyone all of the time (though they will make a ton of money trying), you cannot control every country’s government (though they will kill a lot of people trying), and you cannot make everyone afraid of your weapons, not even while you are using them on people. You can, when you are done with an orgy of death, that attempt at making the world submit to your non-existent authority, ditch the fear by trying to make peace with them. That is how you kill fear, at the source. 

          The source of fear is not people. The source is, as many have countlessly said before, and will say later, fear is created by what you do not, cannot, and choose not, to understand or acknowledge. The fear we have is real and warranted because somewhere, in the back of our minds, we as a nation are aware of the truth of the terrors we are giving the world while claiming we do not see it ourselves.

          The greatest fears we have, and rarely as Americans will we admit, is that our fears are justified. That just because our Washington Press buys the fact that if the White House does not admit something, it never happened, or is left in a less-defined gray zone between what is real and what is not. That there are things we are doing now, things we are responsible for, which we should not, but will not doing stop either. And that it will come back to haunt us if it is not already on the way.

          Waking up and confronting THAT fear, that good fear, that can inspire people to wake up and do something to counter it, that is always just around the corner. Derrick Jensen in The Culture of Make Believe, (the best title IMHO for American Culture ever), similarly writes…

             As this dawning dissonance began to tear at my insides, again and again I considered that the confusion must come from within, that I must be missing some simple point: No one could be so stupid as to destroy their own planet, all the while chatting breezily about golf, "reality-based TV" (whatever that means), and How about them Cubbies? What seemed profoundly important to me seemed of no importance to most people, and what seemed important to so many people seemed trivial to me. … The United States bombs Vietnam to save the Vietnamese people, it arms death squads through Latin America to save the people there, it bombs Iraq to save the people there. I kept thinking: Is there something I am missing? 
             … I asked David Edwards how this plays out in our day-to-day lives. He told me, "We build our lives on certain beliefs, then spend much of our time protecting ourselves from conflicting beliefs. … It may seem that he has everything to lose and nothing to gain from that sort of self-examination, and so his unconscious will protect his sense of self from a very painful conflict by dismissing or ignoring any evidence that he participates in these atrocities. And it will do so in such a way that it never even occurs to him- even with the evidence staring him in the face- that there’s the slightest thing wrong with what he is doing. The same is true of journalists, for example, or politicians, whose livelihoods and self-esteem are based on serving corporate power; under no circumstances can they allow themselves to comprehend the true nature of the role they are playing."

The Culture of Make Believe, 
Derrick Jensen, 2002, Pg 141, Context Books, NY

          Yet reality is never shut out completely, even in the most extreme instances referred to above. One must know and constantly be working to suppress what one knows but is choosing not to acknowledge. This knowledge becomes fear, becomes dread, becomes the dark recesses of where we choose we ought not to look at what we as individuals or as groups, societies, countries, or cultures, are doing to others. And worst of all, that knowing or acknowledging that we have surrendered our right to question it openly and effectively without fear. 

          Dying is easy then, when having to live daily in denial at the obvious and increasingly frequent greater and growing injustices, and with the ever changing definitions of the official Newspeak insanity, and still yet choosing to think or consider oneself a rational being. It becomes then, the living is what is hard. Unless of course, you batten down the hatches, forget about any or all possible consequences, and try to let out on (what you think are) the right occasions what you know that others, by choosing not to acknowledge will get themselves, and possibly yourself too, killed.

  

1) The Radioactive Cereal Principle, November 13th 2005 
Slightly edited (mostly grammar and spelling corrections and new developments mentioned) from original form with notes added at end... 
  

“Precautions must be taken not only to protect operations from exposure to enemy forces, but also to conceal these activities from the American public. The knowledge the Agency is engaging in unethical and illicit activities would have serious repercussions in political and diplomatic circles.”  Auditor, MKULTRA, CIA1961 (1)

“At the time, Senator Edward Kennedy basically said, “The intelligence community of this nation, which requires a shroud of secrecy in order to operate, has a very sacred trust from the American people.  The CIA’s program of human experimentation of the ‘50s and ‘60s violated that trust. It was violated again on the day the bulk of the agency’s records were destroyed in 1973. It is violated each time a responsible official refuses to recollect the details of the program. The best safeguard against abuses and abusers is a complete public accounting of the abuses of the past.” Carol Rutz   (2)

“Given the manual's repeated instructions to probe and exploit the individual mind-frame of the subject--to place "a tap on the psychological jugular"--it would not be surprising to find that yet another MKULTRA project, the PAS, was incorporated into CIA interrogation strategies. The CIA was loath to release its manuals to the American public, but the agency has readily shared its expert opinions on interrogation with military and intelligence forces around the world. In numerous cases both the CIA and the Defense Department have been implicated in the international dissemination of torture and other political terror tactics. The tricks of the trade were often exported to governments who turned the brutal methods against their own civilians. U.S. involvement in this terror trade has been so widespread that its effects can accurately be described as global in scope.” Jon Elliston   (3)

“many, including me, would choose a beating. The effects of most beatings heal. The memory of an execution (mock execution) will haunt someone for a very long time and damage his or her psyche in ways that may never heal. In my view, to make someone believe that you are killing him by drowning is no different than holding a pistol to his head and firing a blank. I believe that it is torture, very exquisite torture.”  Senator John McCain  (4)

"Somewhere in the upper reaches of this Administration, a process was set in motion that rolled forward until it produced scandalous results," said Senator Patrick Leahy (D-VT) yesterday, referring to the shifting government policy on torture. "We may never know the full story, because the Administration has circled the wagons and stonewalled on requests for information. What little we know we owe to leaks, to the initiative of the press, to international human rights organizations, and to a few internal Defense Department investigations, and to Freedom of Information Act litigation." Senator Patrick Leahy   (5)

Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan called the culture of secrecy "a belief system . . . a way of life" that blurs judgment. By increasing the scope for discretionary judgment, secrecy enhances the rule of man and subverts the rule of law. With the facts hidden, the administration can and does define reality as it sees fit. The White House believes that the president has a "blank check" in the war on terror and is effectively above the law.” Joe Pitts   (6)

"... the 1995 Hearing of the President's Committee on Radiation, and they say "In the 1950's and 60's the CIA engaged in an extensive program of human experimentation using drugs, pychological, and other means, in search of techniques to control human behavior for counter intelligence and covert action purposes." In other words, they are training agents, it says here, by using mind control on them... a 1963 CIA Inspector General's report on project MKULTRA which was "a program concerned with research and development of chemical, biological, and radiological materials capable of deployment in clandestine (secret) operations to control human behavior." John Rappoport  (7) 
  
  

The RadioActive Cereal Principle

by Jared DuBois

          The Radioactive Cereal Principle first appeared in my notes about a year ago as a paper to be written at this time. If unsuccessful, then this is to try to put things now in a better perspective without saying too much now. Enough has been written already in my papers and the notes (now hopefully widely propagated) that many could put the pieces together if I am not allowed to speak for myself or become timely incommunicative.

           The Radioactive Cereal Principle is not about the actual secrets but the effect they have upon society, the covering of them up. Not only does that give societies a dishonest, schizophrenic, and ultimately false view of themselves and what they do, it spreads like a cancer unseen and ultimately kills, corrupts, and destroys people's lives, all in secret, and with a public forever free to smile in ignorance of what is done, supposedly for their benefit, but since they will never know or hear about any of it, for whoever wants to or is in a position from benefiting from secret money, secret programs, and untold methods of coercion inevitably targeted back upon their own representatives and republics, and on the blissfully clueless citizens themselves.

           The title comes from the programs made public by the Clinton Administration (1995 Hearings of the President's Committee on Radiation)(7) on how the government secretly gave doses of radiation to children, pregnant women, and others without their knowledge or consent, knowing of potential dangers but justifying it in the name of medical research and national security. National security is a mantra which can and has covered up far worse things than just putting poison in children's cereal. It is a blanket excuse to do anything you want to anyone you wish if you have the right job, because no one is ever suppose to know about it, and you are told, you are free from having to worry about any consequences from the public because none of them ever will.

           But now I am talking also about the collateral damage, not the ones who suffered because the government did something so reprehensible, it could not tolerate (or survive the public's outrage) people finding out about what they did to them, but what it does to those unfortunate enough to be in the wrong place at the wrong time to put together too many of the pieces, and being questionably too high-minded (read unpredictable) to be bought off or kept silent.

           In doing a search on the Internet for the above quotes (searching radioactive cereal), I came across the story of Carol Rutz.(2) Many of her claims seem too fantastic, too much to believe that it could ever get that far out of control, yet for those willing to put aside their patriotic unthinking cap momentarily, if not having happened to her, there is ample evidence similar things did happen in government sanctioned secrecy to other children.

           It was either President Ford or Carter who publicly announced in the mid-1970's that the government would from that day forward no longer be prostituting children to foreign diplomats or businessmen they wanted to impress or buy strategic influence with them or their countries, all in the name of national security, thus admitting that the CIA had been prostituting someone's children, and the MKULTRA program by its later names would make sense to have been involved. Again, they had to come from somewhere. TIME Magazine ran a good article mentioning the implications, but that the US government itself could be the beneficiary, promoter, instigator, and sole operator of what could only be called a network of child sexual slavery as recently as less than 30 years ago never really seeped into the public's awareness, nor was it suppose to. Oh yeah, we did that, talk about something else now.

           There were allegations made that it came undone because local law enforcement investigating that a child prostitution ring operating out of the D.C. area, with links to other cities, did not like being told that this was off limits for them to look into. Those who ignored the warnings not to pursue it, finding out it was in fact the US government itself running the operations, they were not in a good position. People were fired, set up to be arrested, drugged and sent to mental hospitals, possibly even killed, just for doing what they were supposed to be doing, just not supposedly, in this instance, succeed at. At a certain point, it must have reached a critical mass where it could no longer be covered up, or the cost of all those counter-operations to ensure the main operation succeeded in running with impunity and under total secrecy would continue.

           The risk for knowing something like this, that your government intentionally poisoned kids, pimped kids to rich foreign diplomats, businessmen, or kings, or other similar things, and might not wish to forever hold your peace about it, you would automatically be considered an enemy of the state, no matter how law-abiding, God-fearing, flag-worshipping true patriot you otherwise might have been considered up until that point. From that moment on, you would simply forever, and not for long, from that point on simply be in the way, an error about to be corrected.

           The Radioactive Cereal Principle does not involve me. I am smart enough to generally steer clear of not coming across what I am not suppose to know about and try to stay in the dark about my government's doings as much as most people. However, some are unfortunately not able to avoid the potential effects because you can never tell exactly how they will break. Theoretically for every new action(crime) taken to cover up one crime which the government should never have committed, that new action itself needs to be covered up. Eventually like in the D.C. case, one would think the cost of keeping things covered up would some day finally get too high, potentially thousands of new instances (crimes) to cover up all related to keeping one thing quiet which should never have occurred, and all those new cases being covered up solely because of how easily avoidable and far less damaging it would have been to have come clean about it in the first place, not that any involved would ever have to worry about jail, they are above that, though they might lose the promotions they covet.

           Though I may be on the outside as far as any specific cases needing to be currently covered-up, potentially no one is outside the scope of the criss-crossing webs and cover-ups which are both new and old. The United States has one again sunk as low as it is possible to go, what US Vice-President Dick Cheney called going to the dark side. The new skeletons they are exponentially adding to the already overflowing closet is causing the old ones to have to move out.

           The abuses of authority due to what the administration now regards it can keep secret in perpetuity has led to an arrogance greater than that which destroyed Rome. President Bush has by executive order tried to give ex- and future ex-Presidents, namely himself, the power to keep things secret indefinitely as long as he is alive and so chooses, to the degree that a sitting President now has, so he will never have to face up to revelations about his own mistakes or horrific abuses equally as bad or worse than those under MKULTRA while on his watch. Even Putin is still working out how to give himself THAT much power after leaving office. Though I cannot name any specific cases, and given the abuses already made public thus far, the public has become immune to hearing them anyway in those becoming rarer instances the US media acknowledges by reporting on them (omitted from US news: (8) The recent charges by the Pro-American Pro-occupation Iraq government that the US used chemical weapons with heavy causalities and women and children dying horrifically as the their bodies were dissolved away spreading of the chemicals eating into their flesh under their clothes and turning them into leather like corpses wearing clothes, burned alive and watching it spread on them unable to stop it. And these charges were not made by biased against us enemies but by those who want us there, but to stop doing that sort of thing. This was not deemed newsworthy for Americans to hear (8) that our government was caught doing the same kind of things we call War Crimes or Crimes Against Humanity when other countries do them or Saddam Hussain did it. Without our public's hearing about it, our hands are thought to remain clean.) If not for the shroud of protection from the Radioactive Cereal Principle, there is little doubt now Bush would have gone out of the history books the same way as Hitler, by a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head.

           While claiming the US does not stand for torture, Bush has just now openly said anyone who would speak out in favor of limiting his ability to order the torture of others as "unpatriotic". He has also recently warned others not to try to "revise history" on the reasons we went to war with Iraq when it has been proven that he was lying. Don't try to effect an established lie by trying to bring in, let out, or try to find the truth, he says. He thinks he has the power to create reality, and the power given to him by the media fondling and dependable as clockwork cover-ups gives him due reason to be delusional.

           Whereas the United States used to have a representative list of which countries respected human rights and which were abusers, we now have a hypocritical list that many to most nations would say we belong at the top of as the worst abuser. Bush has almost openly yet coyly bragged about how will stop at nothing, even torture, and the press has been complicit by hardly raising an objection to the official state-line insanity. Overseas, we have pressured other countries to curtail civil rights, even encouraged martial law and the suspension of legal processes, almost worldwide, in the name of the War on Terror.

           Even while fostering an anything goes policy within the CIA, the administration has shown itself willing to try to force reports to be doctored to its political objectives, ignored anything they do not wish to hear, been arrested for divulging state secrets to score political points, and creates fall guys (to be well-rewarded later) to tell them the lies they want to hear to justify wars of aggression and profiteering. Anyone who has studied the fall of the USSR like I have can tell you, it was the same atmosphere of invulnerability and willingness to ignore legitimate intelligence over what it only wished to hear and be told which caused it to collapse.

           America has in less than 4 years gone from being a country respected and admired all over the world, even among Islamic nations and peoples, to a country reviled and thought to be the greatest enemy or threat to peace and stability in the World, and that is just among our friends and allies publics! The rest REALLY hate us now. Bush has purposely played the part of a firebug to start incendiary policies bound to exacerbate tensions and problems around the World so he can portray himself as a hero for standing up to them. Milosovich comes to mind as having played the same game, much to his country's detriment.

           Believe it or not, I saw and still see getting out as my best chance to help. The shit is about to hit the fan bigtime as far as world peace goes, if not this year, then the next, or within the next few years. A void is growing and a polarization against both the US and World institutions has never greater threatened America and its interests, and it is all being self-inflicted. The world needs America more than it realizes, but the America it needs needs to get its shit together, and soon, or both America and the world will have lost the best chance at long-term stability in exchange for a few hundred extra billions of dollars of short-term profits.

           If I am wrong, if I am not so far removed from the Radioactive Cereal Principle as I thought, then I shall soon find that out. Chances are good from my perspective then it might be that I was borne too close to the center and may have been in a hopeless position from the start. Still, I am what my country made me and luck willing and with a little foresight, our courses will converge again on safer and higher ground.

Part 2 - December 7th, 2005 
   

           On the bus I thought of what I would write if I did not think I would get anywhere talking to whoever I ended up having to deal with. I knew it would all come down to what kind of person was working at the embassy that day. Would it be a person who could think for himself, look objectively at the situation before him, go beyond just what he was taught to do, what a manual would say to do, what one could literally say, he was programmed to do? Or would I be dealing with someone who could look me in the eye, really hear what I said, and could have a chance of making up his own mind and make his own decision? Few people can do that. Most think they can but it is so easy to control what they may do by controlling what they know. 

           They knew I was coming. They thought they knew why. They had said things about me and set up expectations, this is what he is, don't pay any attention to him. They thought they knew everything there was to know. But they soon found out that they did not know what I would say, and on many levels, why I was there. They could not know it was the result of years of planning and many many more years of waiting for such an opportunity to come, and it would all depend on one person's ability to really hear and think beyond what he was programmed to do. On the bus, I decided what it would take to get whomever I ended up talking to to jar him out of his complacent programmed response. I did not think it would be easy. Government officials are all the same. If I did not get anywhere, the note I planned to write while on the bus was roughly as follows... 

    *      John Kerry Intern  
    *      Trip to Moscow  
    *      October surprise  
    *      Not exciting but discretion important  
    *      Seeking asylum and ANSWERS 
  

           It is tempting to say being French got in his way. French people are arrogant, smart but arrogant, and think they know everything. I know the type, being French, all the good and bad that comes with it. But such generalizations, prejudices, had a part in my being there, and I try not to think that all the French are dicks, just unfortunately the ones I usually have to deal with and this proved to be no exception. It was a difficult thing to expect anyone to actually think, "maybe something is going on here that I don't understand." What could it have hurt for him to have taken me inside, even into custody, and to hear me out, even if  instructed not to? What he could not know, what those in my government would never tell him, even if they knew, and most of them did not, was that the answers I was looking for went back to when I was 6 years old, at least as far as I could tell, and maybe further back than that. 

           For most of my life I had been looking for an opportunity to find out what had been going on. When I was doing the "politics thing," I had hoped to run for Congress and eventually get on an intelligence committee. The one thing I would never do, unlike no doubt others similarly, would have been to join the Company, but I was always looking in other ways for answers. The MKULTRA program and the many others like it since, they are not easy things to get answers to, even if you think you were in it as I did, long before it was made public. Getting into a position to get answers to such questions is not easy, the chances do not come often or last long, and are well guarded. Even members of Congress do not have access to much information, and only a few weeks ago did I learn most of the records were destroyed anyway. "How convenient!"

           With the US government, those outside tend to think of it as a monolith. That all parts function with each other for a common benefit. Those who know how it really works know there are as many factions within it as there were in the Politburo in the Kremlin; only from the outside view is it one big whole. Even within the CIA, the left hand does not know what the right hand is doing. If the left hand knew, it would have to be cut off. Condi Rice's attitude is basically the attitude of the agency, "you don't want to know what we do, we do it for you." Buying into that as Congress does makes them complicit in whatever they do in secret which they are completely protected from ever having to answer for. When the American public accepts that (not that they have much of a choice about it if even the Committee's of Congress supposedly which "oversee" it cannot get answers), it makes them complicit in what is done also. Now Rice wants to make all of our allies complicit in what they do, and of course, without actually telling them what that is, a blank check. They have gotten so many blank checks recently, more than Haliburton, from Congress, from the Press, and even from the American public. Asking the same from the world seems not a much bigger step. Asking even FOR the world, it seems only what we are due for "protecting" it. 

           So Congress can play the shell game of "looking" for answers it never really expects to be told, and probably would not know what to do with if they ever found them out. It is so much easier and safer to remain in ignorance. That was what Part One of The Radioactive Cereal Principle was all about. Stepping outside the bounds of what you are supposed to know, even if you are a member of Congress, can be to violate the Radioactive Cereal Principle, so most members are content to do with that issue what they do with all others; make speeches, look like they are looking into things, as they say at any low paying job, "look busy", and wait for the issue to be ignored like everything else they only have to look into whenever forced to by circumstances or the press. 

           Our wealth allows us to ignore most of our mistakes and the press is actually in a way, as controlled by as few hands as the Kremlin's "full spectrum dominance"of TV news, all state-owned where ours are all owned by a handful of corporations which all have the same "talking points" and run the same stories, mostly decided by what the government and business wish them to focus on. "(This society across the board (certainly, much of the media) pays more attention to the new Xbox 360 than daily developments in Iraq. One cynical TV show host recently groused to me:"Nobody cares about the war. I don't do shows on the war. It's all about getting through the holidays. Shopping—that's what people care about."" (8)And this is the view of those who decide what is and isn't newsworthy for people to hear about, infomercial segments about new products and services passing themselves off news stories.) The NBC News agency's highest news anchor, Brian Williams, recently said he thought it not off-bounds for the government to pay reporters on the side to write favorable stories about them. (9) Evidently there is not as much integrity left in news reporting, a critical public service as well as a necessary component for a democracy to function giving people "informed consent", in the US as there was in the music industry "scandals" in the 1950's of disk jockey's getting paid bribes to promote certain records. That supposedly was dishonest, but now bribing to influence the news reporting is fair game. Government sponsors "owning" of reporters by bribing them is now according to one our "top" journalists, one of 3 of the highest most-visible news voices at one of the most-watched news authorities, now just another accepted and acceptable part of the game. So too is buying up all the stations, whether privately or publicly held, to all run all the same types of stories. Only PBS is the lone source of non-corporate sponsored news, and they have been trying to silence that lone remaining independent voice as much as Putin now supposedly has finally quashed his last remaining TV critic. The irony is, no one watches PBS anyway. But for both sides, it is a matter of the principle. 

           If I had been arrested in America, if the news talked about it, they all would have inevitably taken the same approach, the same angle, and all have given "independent" versions of the same line. Not that the American press is free to decide what to talk about, they have their owners to think about, much less how to talk about it. With coverage of the Wars (plural, and the big one, against "to be announced", could be one country today, a different one tomorrow, even a recent ally, and all the "same war" which is never ending) more heavily restricted than any before, even forbidding the showing of caskets or funerals, it is easy for the administration to bury anything they do not wish to have discussed, almost for any reason since they never actually have to say what that reason is. 

           Going to Europe would be my leverage. It would theoretically have been more difficult to be swept under the rug because I would get at least perfunctorily contact with a police force my government did not completely control, depending on, of course, the country. 

           At the French embassy, I put them into the same position that members of Congress, when they are honest with themselves (and we all know how rare that is!) might admit privately they prefer not to be in, hearing more than they care to know about. I was willing to tell them everything and that was not on the program of how things were supposed to go. They would have had to look into things. That was my plan, but it was no one else's. The safety catches to allow everything to happen exactly as according to everyones plans are well-planned and well-executed, and sometimes people too, all to prevent the lies from becoming threatened by the truth. 

           It is difficult for any who are completely honest to say they know the truth. There are many versions of the truth. I only know my version. It is impossible to prove by standard methods, and that is what makes the lies unthreatenable except by careful examination of what is in my head. That was what I was there for. It is not that the answers are out of reach for me, or that I do not know them, only for them to be recorded in a way that someone might know them to be true, no matter what my government spins (i.e. lies) to contain it. 

           How they have kept such things quiet is not all that different than the Soviet Union. Killing people of course, "extra-judiciously". Then there is the ever popular recently renamed "mentally Yushchenkoed" option, permanent brain damage. Drugging people and putting them in mental hospitals is a good way from here to there, and death by another inmate in prison is always good when you cannot think of anything else. Torturing people without trials or even charges, shipping them off to third countries at enormous expense for no other reason than because they CAN be tortured there (not by us, we only "observe" our pupils doing what we taught them. Do they get better grades for going beyond what we taught or is that a demerit?) is just getting plain lazy but being able to do that whenever and as much as you wish without questions being asked actually reins in the Radioactive Cereal Principle cover-ups, so maybe "progress" is being made these days. 

            As I said in the original Radioactive Cereal Principle, I doubt that it applies to me as I try to be careful about what I know of "current" things to be covered up. In my opinion, that Congress supposedly wanted to know what they did to people like me when I was 6 years old, that supposedly is now fair game. I leave it for incompetent journalists paid on the side by the government to try to get the truth about things my government is currently doing which it should not do, and legally cannot do yet constantly does, and could not survive the truth coming out's light of day if they ever did come out. Yet none of those involved see those cover-ups protecting crimes or subversions of the Constitution, diversion of Congressional oversight or powers, or for advancing what can only be described as One-Man-Rule as being even illegal anymore, anymore than bribing reporters is thought to be illegal anymore. I did say in Part One though that I believe if not for those cover-ups, Bush would have by-now gone out of history the same way as Hitler, by a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head. And I stand by that, and all who prevent him from having to do that by continuing covering these things up for him, his adminstrations highest most indefensible crimes, destroy not only everything America used to stand for, but its economy and security as well. Polsci.com was my direct line, not to the Russians, the hackers, or the world, though hopefully such outsiders if they had been watching could have preserved some of it if I disappeared, it was my direct line to the CIA itself, required reading so to speak, a captive audience. But they are programmed even better than I was. 

            In regards to allegations about MKULTRA-type programs of not so long ago, the standard line they take now, and it is hard to say who "they" are anymore since supposedly my government wanted and still wants to know what they did to kids back in the 60's and early 70's, is that such recollections are fictitious "recovered" memories.  John Rappoport's talk of how an untracably well-funded former-CIAaffiliated group run NGO against "recovered" memories effectively spins all media coverage about such things turning up is not far off-base. (the False Memory Syndrome Foundation... when were you born, this organization? She said "1992"... have a chapter in every state in 3 years... and in foreign countries they have chapters too. But no foundation money and no government funding... Now on the board of this organization... has been documented to have done all kinds of stuff for the CIA and military on mind control stuff... is on the board at FMSF and so is <>, a Harvard psychiatrist who has done contract work for the CIA in the past."(7) Discrediting you if you try to speak out is still an option, though the least likely to make you dead or a brain-dead moron. Still, I chose to risk the latter two because the first one I did not like either. It was a narrow gauntlet to run, and I did it pretty well for awhile. 

           In my case, they were not "recovered" memories. I could remember at 6, at 7, at 8, and so on. The desire to get to the bottom of things never went away. Even before I got into the political track, in studying psychology, I tried to look up parapsychology studies done in my area at the time. It seems pretty ridiculous to think I could simply go to a library and read a book about it, but then I admit, I don't have all the answers. I just look for them. Not obsessively, but it never goes away, and like I said, they put up a lot of walls to getting them, lots that must be done in a certain order to get to those answers. It could be nothing much was there to be covered up in my case, maybe a lot. The point is, my government is not likely to ever say the truth about many things, and this is probably one of them. 

           What I do remember is a visit to a psychiatrist's office in Springfield, Massachusetts during the winter of 1969/1970. I was taken out of school, a private school so it was not something part of the regular school curriculum or standard government medical program. I was a normal, healthy, well-behaved well-adjusted child with no psychiatric or psychological problems. I was given a ink-blot test and other standard psychological tests. I was also subjected to many ESP tests with a variety of subjects. I also went more than once, also once with by brother as a control subject also where I was supposed to tell what he was thinking or what was happening to him. There was the standard star, wavy line, circle, etc. cards. I was also hypnotized. At least I can 100% say tried to be hypnotized, repeatedly for a long time when it was time to go. Eventually they had to give up and sent me home, and I remembered pretty much everything that went on, at least that day. I asked my brother about it, only a year later, and he could remember none of it, and he was 4 years older than me and should have remembered it more clearly. These were not recovered memories but ones I have had my entire life. The only difference is after the accident, they became much more clearly focused and detailed. I was remembering far more than I ever would have wanted to, as well as just about everything that went on there. When I realized that no one knew exactly what I did and did not remember about then, I realized that would come in handy over the last 2 years. If anyone else currently in the CIA knew what I knew, most I am sure who were supposed to deal with my situation were not given that information even if they still have a record of those incidents, then they would have to wonder what set me off. What activated me. 

           The Russians have always, at least in my life, been the boogie-men. They were around at least at the start of my little escapade of the last few years. I do not know how all the pieces of current things involving me fit together, nor necessarily wanted to. I keep in mind the Radioactive Cereal Principle everyday, but they knew of me before I knew much about them, and I decided to play that card to the hilt. I also considered going over to the Russians, bad as that would have been, and it would have been for me anyway, very very very bad, but at least I would have stood a chance at getting answers which my government would never tell me, or admit to anything else completely honestly without some or much lying, about what was going on around me. They had their cover story, even if it kept changing (that was fun) and more or less had control over how whatever I might have done would be explained and interpreted. They are patient if they know you have nowhere to go and that they must win in the end. They think they always will or must win in the end. Win what does not matter, even if it is a corpse. Even if the world is a corpse. We will still have the moon. 

            To say I considered going over to the Russians plays into a scenario like, "He was a spy, possibly," ("possibly" being if they felt like being nice to me while screwing me over), "unaware he was spying for them." It was a lie they could have made real at their own time and choosing; they may have had back doors to my own head. I felt from the start I was playing my own game, running my own scenario, but when I got to Eastern Europe, I began to doubt that even myself. When I thought someone else might have been affecting my actions which had by that time grown fairly inexplicable, though logically step by step, to even myself, settling into a completely machine-like fearless "super spy" mode, I became fairly suspicious of that myself. But then the Russians really, so far as I can tell, were always on the periphery of what was going on. Only my own government could have helped me get that far, and after the accident, I was pretty much not running on all cylinders anyway, and everything came just a little too easily, which is what made me suspicious enough to try to have to always second-guess even my own behavior. 

           At least if I had gone over to the Russians, though they might have learned what was up with me, they probably would not have shared it with me, but at least I would not have to deal with the whole BS over ESP. In addition to the "he was a Russian spy" crap, my government's key linchpin in all arguements aimed at discrediting me as being just nuts would be augmented by my mentioning ESP, yet it is a key factor for explaining why so much of it happened as it did. They study it, but it does not exist. The MKULTRA program (not called that in my day), existed but anyone who thinks they were involved in it is crazy. The Russians do not have to lie about it as much. They never unlike the US, had to pretend to have to stop looking into such things, how to control people, though in our case, they just most likely moved it outside of our borders. The Russians were fairly open about what they could do. They had people on TV who could move balls around a flat table by moving their hands over it. They were far behind what I could do, but then what I could do came later. I don't know what I could do at 6 years old but was curious later to find out. The tests they did on me, I continued to do on myself. As far as I know, my last exposure to ESP testing was at 6 years old, and that makes sense because I moved away from the area and the programs were supposedly shutdown by the government shortly after when some of the worst abuses started coming to light. 

           When my computer was hacked, when I was living a far different life, albeit one I could not afford any more than my current much more modest life, one of that of a rich person in Hawaii, I thought I had nothing to be concerned about. Life was good, my situation was about as unsustainable as the current geopolitical/environmental situation, but while living la dolce vita, you can easily forget about tomorrow, even if you are not the CEO of Enron. And if you are and you know it will not last, all the more reason to *uck over the planet even more because it won't matter long anyway. 

           When I moved to Hawaii I vowed to stay there until humanity destroyed itself, while I did nothing, and maybe got drunk afterwards. I thought if I cared about nothing, I had nothing to worry about. That makes me sound like a bad person, though I was not and was an agreeable sort who got along with everyone. Like so many others, I just gave up on the rest of the world outside my own little paradise and life. 

           The hackers intruded upon my little dose of unreality, and it was welcome. "Sitting in Limbo" by John Cruz was my theme song. I was about as much use to anyone there as Bob Dylan's ridiculously expensive super-fast car I saw him driving one day, on an island with almost no roads other than 2 lanes (at the time) and nowhere for me to drive even my lowly-by-comparison Corvette above even 70 miles an hour for more than a few seconds, never mind the hundreds of miles per hour of Dylan's car could do, theoretically, just not there, ever. So I was flushed out of paradise and back into the "real" world I wanted no part of. To be fair, the people of Hawaii, their kindness, lack of malice, suspicion, everything un-American by the new America defined by GWB, renewed my faith in humanity as it could be, and I left there pretty much thinking everything could be fixed everywhere else in the world to be more like there, and easily, and soon. Spreading the Spirit of Aloha to the rest of the world. Well, then there was that severe head injury too... 

            After realizing I had been hacked, ostensibly I was lead to believe, by people connected to the Russian Mafia, more likely those connected to LEA or CIA pretending to be the Russian Mafia (I did pretty much rule out RM interest in me later though I am sure the FSB will keep an open file on me for the rest of my life)or computer nerds much more sophisticated than myself (my computer skills I like to leave undocumented though not really threatening to anyone, though none can prove that, I have earned my Neo) who on any given day would pretend to be either the Russian Mafia or the CIA depending on which side of the bed they woke up on. Like I said, it did start with something to do with the Russians somehow, though how I doubt anyone would ever tell me exactly what was going on, only electronically paths were crossing and they may have paid at least one visit to Hawaii. It seemed like I was an easy target for blackmail, living a life I could not afford, semi-legal but then so aren't most Congressmen. (I leave out saying "Congresspersons" because women probably have to be better people to be elected.) 

           The thing about not giving a *uck about anything, a bring-it-on attitude toward whatever fate had in store to try to get me to budge from my indifference, there was something that I had overlooked besides my computer security. The first thing I thought of when realizing I had been hacked, far earlier than actually having proof (I do perceive things a bit ahead of actually being able to explain how I know things), the first thing I focused on what that could possibly mean later was my one and only meeting with Senator John Kerry in his office in Boston about 12 years earlier. "*UCK!" was pretty much the immediate response. A chain of coincidences that happened that day and years later pretty much left me screwed if Kerry became the Democratic nominee in 2004, which you exactly did not need ESP to know would happen even back then in 2002. As I said in Deconstructing the Universe, once you realize the potential in and for something and everything that happens after that happen all at once or not at all. That moment in Hawaii, that meeting with Kerry many years earlier, all connected to me going to school in the former Soviet Union a year later. They all were connected on the same line, and I knew where that line had to go years later. It ended in the French Embassy in Estonia, and it ended badly for me, though not the worst way it could have gone. I survived the election, got my degree, and though I was about to be homeless, had my picture taken too obviously in my face and the camera handed to a person in a waiting car, it had, needless to say gotten a bit offtrack from where I hoped to end up, with answers, though it went about as far as I could see it going back then in Hawaii. 

           For awhile I just said "*uck it, I am boxed in, nothing I can do." How and why if I could even begin to explain how I could be sucked into the election, the Willie Horton of 2004, is as difficult to explain as how I would start to have been planning accurately how things should be done to affect what no one could reasonably have expected would be the case years later. I just don't wait for things to have to happen before I react to them. An entire chain of events and would-be events started coming together in my head then and few of them pointed to anything good. That changed because I had gotten digital cable with over a hundred channels for my giant-sized HDTV and preferred German news over the constant pro-war pre-invasion propaganda which passed for "unbiased" American journalism, which has only gotten unbelievably worse since then. 

           Since I had been been a Political Science major before starting my own computer software company which in less than 2 years ended up having programs featured in all the major PC magazines and recommended top downloads on the major online services (shameless plug), I was following the European Union expansion with great interest. DWTV, the German news channel in English, ran a series of shows each of which featured soon-to-be new member states, a +10 set of stories in addition to the regular news stories. If I had not seen the story on Estonia, just as if I never met Senator Kerry, I would not have ended up begging for someone to listen to me in the French Embassy in Estonia two years later. 

           Like I said, it is difficult for me or anyone to talk about ESP. It makes everyone roll their eyes and just say you are nuts. It is easier for them to do that than getting them to have to rethink everything they think the know about the world as conveniently explainable as the lowest common denominator their country would like them to stay at, while that same time that government which maintains such things do not exist is free to do "whatever it takes" in research to find out 1) what is it, and 2) how can we use it as a weapon. It is amazing that they EVER care about anything else, but then with weapons being a multi-TRILLION dollar industry, easily the largest and most profitable industry on the planet when you count arms, research, biologicals, and chemicals, personnel, supporting industries, bases, etc, the numbers show everything else (combined) that people concern themselves with or do will always be of secondary importance. 

            Nonetheless, when I saw the story on Estonia, all the pieces began to fit together. It featured the "quaint little college town of Tartu." When I watched it, I remembered going to school there. If not there exactly, then a school somewhere like it. As surely and as completely as if it had already happened. Needless to say, it was not likely to happen. Though rich on the outside, nice sports car, expensive condo, doing nothing but watching movies and playing video games on the best if not the most expensive TV ever made, I really did not have a pot to piss in much less any way to get to go to school in Estonia, nor did I have I passport, nor did I think I could get one. There was the whole hacking incident, and getting dragged into the election to avoid. And to top it all off as I contemplated how to get from here to there, one thing became predominately and damningly clear. "I would have to be poor, very poor." Not that I would have a choice about it for long.

           That pretty much summed it all up. Getting poor did not seem to warrant being a problem. I seemed on one-way downhill ever since the dot com bust which busted me as well. Debts up the kazoo, no real way to maneuver after the War in Iraq, yet also, the only way forward to achieve everything I needed to do would be to literally fly as close to the sun as possible. That day I stopped opening up my mail and pretty much resigned to let fate take its course. Fate takes many forms. In my case, fate was driving a car, and that car crossed the center line, and also the right lane, hit me, knocked me 5 feet in the air and I landed on the pavement head first. 

            As weird as things had been up to that point, they were about to go into overdrive. The accident pretty much left me out of sorts for a good year or so. By the time I was back in top form, I was coincidentally or not, a college student in the former Soviet Union, in Tartu, watched intently not only by the CIA but also most likely the FSB, the local spooks there and in another previous Soviet Republic, and that was believe it or not, all according to the plan. It was where not only I had wanted to be, but needed to be. 

            But that was still a ways away while lying on the ground with my head bleeding, staring up at the clouds as the sun was setting on Maui. The police said not to move, asked me who I was. Amazingly I knew but it was like someone else was talking. I answered and I answered correctly. They asked if I knew where I was. I was pretty proud I knew the answer to that one to. I said I was on Maui. That was a little more vague than they had hoped. Yes, I knew that I was on a island somewhere in the middle of the Pacific Ocean on a planet called Earth. To me that was a good answer. They were hoping I knew more details than that. 

           In the ambulance I sort of lost track of time, literally. They got worried because I kept asking the same questions over and over again, unable to make new memories of what they were telling me. That was bad. Really bad. They were relieved when it stopped and told me I was now not repeating myself like a blithering idiot. It seems after a severe head injury, that is not a good sign of how things are going to go next. Things got better and worse after the accident, pretty much culminating about 2 weeks later when I spent the entire day in bed unable to stand up or stop everything from spinning and was pretty sure there would be no more days after that. 

            The accident was the final major piece of the puzzle. It was enabling and debilitating at the same time, but the debilitating things were key to how it was enabling. I could not remember everything. I could remember other things which happened many many years ago as clear as if they happened yesterday. As far as work goes, I was a basket case. I could not understand my own sourcecode. I could read things I wrote and not remember writing them. I would get emails of people asking questions about my programs and I could not remember how to answer their questions any more than they knew. For anyone, this would be in a bad position to be in. With what was on the periphery with me, it was downright dangerous. In my own words, I forgot how to do math. I could add, but the higher math needed to write programs, as well as specifics about my own programs, how they worked, sourcecode which I never thought to actually annotate to say what they heck the routines were for or supposed to do, I was pretty much lost and winging it, and gave a lot of refunds. 

           But head injuries are weird things. Wiping the slate clean a bit is like a clean desk. You can start to build again, find new ways to reorganize things. That is what happened with me. I lost things but my brain started to rewire itself. Things in the past suddenly became much clearer. Most memories are like looking down a highway or guests sitting on the couch on a talk show. The most recent ones sit closer to the host, and then move down sequentially with each new guest that comes on. For me it was like it curled and they were all the same distance away from the host, all equally fresh for awhile. 

           I began to remember clearly things that had happened in that office in Springfield when I was 6 years old. The elevator lobby that faced west where I could see the sun setting while waiting for the elevator before I went home. The silver pocket watch (cliche I know) that was used to try to hypnotize me. While I always prided myself that I was "unhynotizable" as a child, little did I know I was only remembering half the story of once when I was not. The 5 suspended balls on his desk where if you lift one or two it knocks one or two at the other end up while the other ones do not move. Putting things in boxes and asking if I could see what was inside the box. (That time was referred to on my web site, the "Nuclear" one, Polsci 4, in "Seeing through the box, Pandora's third try with eyes wide open")There was a lot of references to things others could have pieced together in the 5D notes, and more importantly, they were a means to try to map my own mind as it was rebuilding. A lot of what I wrote in the notes I was asleep when first thinking of or had just woken up and was semi-conscious. They are notes to myself and provided a good way for me to get a handle on my own thoughts. 

            I can say I believe what happened to me and my little road trip through school, the EU, and the FSU was my own concoction. It was certainly well thought out, planned, (as much as someone that out-of-sorts could plan anything) and telegraphed well ahead of time, but as I mentioned above, it is my own perspective. By the time I ended up in the French Embassy, I was as curious as anyone else what might have been going through my head. Then, as when I was 6 years old, I know what I knew was probably at best only half the story, if that. 

           Without an exact quote, there was a message on a newsgroup about the new Star Wars movie which said, "don't you just love premonitions which cause you to do things to avoid them happening which cause them to happen which you never would have done if you did not have the premonition in the first place. The force must be one cruel bitch!"

           After the accident, closer to it than away from it, I was getting very smart again but in a way completely uncontrollable. Nothing of the semi-conscious ideas which I had begun writing down got its teeth into me more than what became 2D 3D 4D 5D Thinking Made Simple (not in this case a shameless plug because it became integral to setting up everything that followed as much as outside factors did), something I woke up writing and continued obsessively working on literally until and after I was thrown out the door for not paying rent for not doing anything else except working on it. It was not exactly a compulsion because I did not really enjoy working on it as I mention in the notes, its just I could not not work on it. Some would say, that a compulsion alright. I was a bit turning into Phillip K. Dick more than I should have (I found out about him much later), but I knew that somehow someway that whatever-it-was was going to be important later. 

            On one hand, it was a symmetrical logic puzzle of dimensions, and it fit in with what I was remembering, how to think 4 dimensionally, (I had been given a 3D puzzle as a very small child and used an inverse view to remember how it fit together internally so I could do it instantly in a few seconds where adults would have to think about it. It combined an internal and external view at the same time like the people kissing/vase negative space picture, only 3D dimensionally instead of only in 2 dimensions, like the vase/kissing picture) and I was as sure as I was in having/will have gone to school in Tartu, that where that book was going or what it was leading to would be more important later (at the very least, it was something that would have to be dissected even if it was gibberish. It was actually probably bit of both, but important in how it meshed up with other things going on) than just being able to impress the Russians if need be by doing more than just showing I could move balls around a table. I am sure they progressed beyond that over the last 30 years if I could outdo that 30 years ago. 

            Physics is something I have been drawn to all my life but Albert Einstein kept me away from it with a single sentence. "If I had known what I know now about what I was on to, I would rather have become a watchmaker." I was far thinking enough to think that I never wanted to wish I would rather have become a watchmaker. Such things guided me all my life, but then I was a little off my game at that point, trying to fit as much together about absolutely everything before I literally would get kicked out the door. 

           There are many reasons to think my little road trip might had been someone elses idea first. At some level, someone in the government must have been aware that what I was doing was a bit odd, and that I would not stop until I got some answers. I don't blame others for what I did, and I think it was actually pretty damn good, though admittedly many probably wanted to shoot me (I know it was probably considered :-), but that was all part of it. I could not, once knowing so many things might have happened, eventually will have come to be or not come to be, and not gone at least a little bit down that road to see if such things were really possible. And believing they already had occurred or would have to occur actually became a factor which made them possible, in ways far beyond just planning to do something and having it happen. 

           Many things many others did would have to come together exactly as they did as well. That is why, to this day, I say Russians never had a position to affect keeping me going as my government did or at least was in a position to influence my income (mostly negatively :-( though it can of course never be proven) and certainly could have at any time shut off my bank account more easily than Saddam Hussein's. But how I ended up in Europe was a chain of events beyond anything even any all-powerful President-CIA partnership could rig or even think up, even with cooperation from the Russians. It was super-weird. 

           I ended up being able to go to Europe only because I believed I was leaving for Europe. If I was not so completely out of touch with reality believing I was leaving for Europe without absolutely any means to get there, the means to get there would never have materialized without having believed that. Figure that one out. That and because I was a lousy packer. 

           On the day I was supposed to leave Hawaii, I had such a mess, so much to do that I never would have been able to make my plane, so I just gave up. I called the airline, said I could not make it and was lucky to be able to go a week later. Then I called the insurance company I had been dealing with about the accident, and because of the extra week alone did it happen, and said that I was leaving for Europe in a week and if they were able to give me a quick settlement of $5000 for lost wages, I would drop any suits in an accident that was clearly not my fault. 

           I was not lying. I was, in my own head, about to leave for Europe, just on the money they had not given me yet, and would not have, if I had not been going to Europe. It was a weird cause/effect loop but made complete sense to me at the time. Since I was being forced to leave Hawaii, American law said that I was also about to lose any hope of being able to sue and receive even a penny anyway. Corporations can, and sometimes do, kill by accident or negligence many poor people. The only people it costs them money for maiming, crippling, or even murdering is when those people can afford lawyers or the lawyers will work for free, or put off charging them for a huge (1/3 to 1/2) cut of their eventual settlement. Any harm to anyone else, they can and often do, get away with murder, literally and figuratively. 

           So magically and serendipitously, believing I was going to Europe self-validated itself at the absolute very last possible moment, like I knew it would have to. I had years of shit in my head of how things would go and all of them said I was going to Europe, so how exactly I was going to get there I did not pay much attention to, and amazingly enough, it turned out that I did not have to. It had to work out, so it did. Can I be that assured of anything now? No, I would say that is nuts. But then lots of things were just working out, and had to, and I just went along with it amazed it was unfolding in a predictable way for me and that probably made everyone else wonder, if it was not set up by them either, could he really be that nuts? Yes, and no. I did have a plan. 

           The plan was, if possible to go to school, and try to avoid getting sucked into the election. Going to school on the border of Russia would make a lot of people curious about why I was there. They would have to look into things. The people who hacked into my computer for instance. They might even dust off an old file of what was going on in the 1960's/early 1970's in Springfield. Though I cannot prove it, I think it a reasonable assumption the names of those they experimented on, that many potential ticking time bombs, the list of the people involved would not have been destroyed along with the details of what was done to them, and I had plenty of reason to suspect I would be on such a list. And if such a list did exist, the Russians also might have a copy of it as well. I would put my toe in the water in Russia and try to get a feel of which way to go once I got there. 

           Russia is a very screwed up place at the moment, but getting better. No surprise there for those who have studied it, and I have for many years now. Lots of reasons why things turned out for them as bad as they did, how the people there got screwed by their own crooked leaders as much as by the US's "help", not all of it intentionally disastrous, but not all of it ingenuous either. Needless to say, I got the feeling Russia is not ready for someone like me, and even my own country wonders sometimes why they have not gotten rid of me yet. 

           They had let me go this far I believe because they were always confident I would have to come back. Once they suspect that they may not get me back, then I really am in trouble without help, and that is where this little bio comes in. It will take big guns just to keep me on the outsider's path I began when I left Boston 2 years ago on what was designed to be an 17 year round trip, hopefully back eventually to settling on Maui and learning to surf before I am too old, mid-fifties by then, not too shabby. The road may go through Russia, India, the Middle East, and of course, Geneva, but it is not supposed to go any other way back to the US yet if I can prevent it. I have gone too far and too many knew too much about me even back then, probably. 

           The trip was more or less unplanned the whole way. I knew where the schools were, eastwards, and I knew I would go to Moscow, and that alone would set off alarm bells all over. After Moscow I ended up back in Lithuania where I had been a week or so earlier and used up practically every dime I had left to get an apartment. The ability to do orders on the road was something also unplanned but necessary and only through several coincidences was that worked out, again pretty amazingly, and thus that allowed everything else to become possible that had to happen for me to stay in school, which for me was old hat, though it had not actually happened yet. Back then like throughout, I was making the bare minimum to get by, not enough to allow me to consider any other course of action, but it was enough to live like a normal person at the time, take buses, ride a bike, study Russian. Being on the border area, a lot of the TV channels were in Russian and I prepared myself for studying it later in Estonia, while others studied me. When said person or person's tried to hack into my computer again in Lithuania, I did not get their IP address (I did but lost it) but I am sure those who were watching me did. They really ought to teach people to photograph clothes in drawers before moving them. I have nothing against anyone but anyone who tries to hack into my computer is building their own set of problems which really has nothing to do with me. 

           I must again go over the doubts I had in Lithuania. I had, though useful, severe uncertainly of my memories. In computer terms, the CRC values of my memories did not match. I had the attention I wanted, Interpol, thus meaning it would become unlikely I could be used as a political tool. If anyone had been trying to disrupt my income by hacking, if they knew too much about me, maybe that would be looked into also. Staying out of the election if it was ever a risk at all, was best done if it looked like I was actually trying to get involved. A variable is only a variable if you don't know what it is going to do, and if you don't, it is best to leave it alone if you don't feel like killing it. But because it all worked out pretty much as I expected, though I did not expect to be in Lithuania, it was all workable within the context of what I was aiming to do, and if it did not work out, at least I had a story to tell and a chance to control the spin my government might wish to put on it, even if they were not involved, though if they were, they were in it knee deep. 

           School was what it was. It was not unfamiliar to me, simply falling back into the same groove. Since I could not really understand how to write programs anymore, I figured it made sense that I was aiming to retrain myself in something that did not require math. It was logical. Everything was logical and more importantly, explainable. Being explainable was important because it was important that even if everyone else did not know exactly what I was up to, that it be something that could be easily summarized in a single piffy paragraph (that's all bureaucrats understand anyway) to set everyone at ease I was not dangerous while still giving them reason to keep investigating me. It was not exactly in line with the Rational Choice Theory, but not much I do ever is. In my book, and in many others, if you think someone is following you, turn around. If you think someone is chasing you, confront them. Once you start running, you never stop. Like me or not, everyone who bothered to look knew I was always willing to commit. Why and to what was just what was ambiguous and purposely meant to be so. 

           While going to school, I began remembering more and more of what led me to get there. My rewired brain found new ways to do higher math again, but the past, at least the recent past was still somewhat blurred. I could remember it all eventually, but through an opaque window, as if remembering someone else's life. I had brought my notebooks with me, fortuitously, and they helped me remember what I was thinking and what was going on in my life when I wrote those things. Many questions were left unanswered, and still are, but it is up to others how much they intend to clue me in on what was going on in the periphery to me. The Russians have many answers but won't necessarily clue me in. My government, as one of my heroes, Chief Joseph would say, though not in these words, is incapable of speaking without a forked tongue, especially in matters like these, and especially these days more than ever when the lies are no longer expected to be believed, just reported as if they were truth, and they expect everyone to know they have no choice but to accept them because that is all they will ever get, unless they want to risk getting into serious trouble. 

           Maybe serious trouble found me, maybe it was fate. It was fun, though trying, and not always settling. What I remembered from Springfield was things which never should have happened to anyone, and that it is forever denied, deniable, means it is never lessened, never slowed, and certainly never stopped. The secrecy is its protector, its parent, its God. Attacking the entire notion that such things can be done privately and not have it affect you, taint you, poison your very culture, that is the only way to gain back any ground which is lost every second of every day anyone is convinced it is better, safer, prudent, to look the other way and not ask tough if not suicidal questions. The only thing that makes those questions suicidal, like those who would challenge a bad regime, is that most are cowered away from doing so out of fear of losing their homes, their jobs, their children, their lives, or the lives of their families. That is what the terrorists hope to make you afraid of. It is also what governments, especially my own at times, like to hold over you as well to keep you from looking where you should not into things it decides for its own reasons and its own protection alone, that you should never find out about. 

           Nothing I have said here is provable. The truth seldom is. I could say something about faith, but that goes against much that I believe philosophically. You should not have faith in anything anyone else tells you to believe, tells you what was. You should only have faith that you might be able, once you find and eliminate all the strains of conditioning and propaganda you have been exposed to all your life to frame all facts and ideas you might ever be exposed to, once you can get above all of that, to have faith you can decide for yourself when someone is telling the truth or not. 

           All I wanted from the French was to be heard, to be given a lie detector test, to be drugged if necessary, hypnotized if necessary, to have my head opened up and *ucked with one last time on the condition that I be shown a video record of what had been going on while they did so, and that it would end after that. The Russians would not give me that option of outside checks. My government would certainly not and has the power to say anything I know, even about my own past, might be classified, though I never have and never would have willing worked for them any more than the Russians. And I do know, though they would never admit it, they would eventually put me in the same position at least once, with nothing to prevent them from going back to that as much as they wish, for no one would be able to stop them, and no one other than them is supposed to be able to care or investigate. As with China, it is "an internal matter only". And of course, "that America would never do that sort of thing," even if we did and still do. Prove it. Can't? Well then... 

           I figured I could go through it once with a government who, if they had believed me, if they found that this or a large enough portion had occurred and could be verified by my own testimony under extreme pressure, that they might have after that gone to the wall to protect me. The French, cowards that they may be in other matters, of all countries might because not only it was wrong but because being French I thought they might have a little latent nationalism that might, on rare occasions, not always be a bad thing and could help protect someone whose own government they no longer had reason to completely trust, and that government would never do anything but lie about it.

           I am not claiming to be a victim nor a saint. I saw an opportunity to expose a few things and went for it without reservation for my own reasons, and because circumstantially it was so clear it could lead to something good in the end, and that if exposed it would be worth whatever I might have risked to get there. And not doing so, like not writing this, was actually riskier. 

           After being unceremoniously told to leave the embassy before getting to say anything (after having given them the note that is. I am aware that it set many things in motion), I said as an empty threat, "Maybe I will try the Russian embassy next then." I felt all along I was being pushed in that direction if it was not my own design, my own plan, but was not willing to be pushed there at that time. I certainly had been pushed out and was not willing to risk going back to my own country after being so close to being able to finally get real answers after working so hard and getting so close. After that, things eased up a bit. I did get some answers shortly after. My income which went to zero inexplicably right when my lease was up giving me nowhere to turn was suddenly working again, and my family rallied to the rescue to prevent me from becoming homeless. As my sister put it, "Oh great, you have a degree but not a country, good going." I have a country. It is still my country. It is just not ready or safe for me at the moment any more than Russia would be ready or safe for someone like me, other than as my country would see me now, as merely data.

           Also when I sold my computer back home immediately after that, I decided on two prices, one if it ended up being bought by Russians since I had to use my own local computer (monitored) to take out the ad, another of what others might pay for it, not having to travel so far. I split it down the middle and put "or best offer"just in case it was too high. It turned out to have supposedly been bought "by Russians living in Belarus" but they waited an entire week and haggled a better price so I don't think I asked too little for it. It is not that unusual though. Where I live in America, most used computers get bought by Russians from Belarus on vacation since Russians there make up .0001%  the population in that area.(Mostly likely it was a ruse by my government, and the government would have swapped the hard drive long before that if it wasn't or not let them out of the country if anyone tried to go that far to get it. No matter who, I saw it more as attempted intimidation than for information, or maybe there actually is a such a bad computer shortage in Belarus they need used overpriced ones from me. :-) 

           I was non-plussed. Having lived for a year and a half in Estonian, anyone with $50 to spend could have afforded to have me killed and if being told I was an American, probably would have with many dropped the price to free. When I got there, I fully expected to have been killed by my own government and have it blamed on the Russians. They showed restraint. I was impressed. I am not easily impressed, but know now, slowly, things are improving. I just don't count on living long enough to see the payoff. 

          Things went pretty much off track from how they were supposed to go before I got to the embassy there. That was a last ditch effort to patch together what had gone wrong. I had 6 objectives why I went back to school, and had achieved by that time 5 so I had not fared badly. It was just the answers I had been denied, and still have been. In a sense withholding them makes me a perfectly trained little monkey, a carrot on a stick, yet while I live, though not obsessing, will not deviate from any course which leads to answers eventually, so long as they don't drag me too much through the mud or take me somewhere I would not have wanted to go otherwise.

            If my country had the same guidelines in how they approach the War on Terror, they would have a lot less problems and be due a lot more respect. Instead they have the antipathy and disgust of the world and that was not paid for on the cheap either, but at the cost of everything we had done a pretty good PR job to them and to ourselves on what we really stood for. We still keep up the rhetoric, but it is becoming every day more and more an obscene farce. 

           We don't torture. We just watch others do it for us and pay the plane fare to get them there and do the kidnapping of them to get them there, in countries that have nothing to do with what they are accused of, not that formal charges have to be made. When you cannot see yourself for what you are, you have less compunction about telling everyone else how great you are, even after you slowly become a hideous monster covered in blood, trying to publicize and sell other countries on the "positive" benefits of torture, martial law, pre-emptive wars, the suspension of civil rights, privacy rights, and of course, human rights, all the while proclaiming that you are the greatest champion of these rights and protections on earth, and everyone ought to thank you for all the great work you do in the cause to promote them. 

           It is no secret that I wish to try to begin to turn that around and from outside both my government and its reach, not that there is a corner or inch of this earth that the current administration does not see as its right to try to control or influence. And I know how to do it, though not as clearly as how I did when I came this far, and know, inevitably, even if I did have a complete plan, did know clearly, something would then as now have come up which would slowly make it all unravel anyway, and that would be for the best, no matter how good the plan might otherwise had been. Making things up as you go along is not only necessary, it is how it should be. No one ought to think they have the right to decide how people should live or what the world will be like 50 year later or even  5 years later. That is for everyone to decide together when that time comes. I only know how to frame the dialog in a non-ideological and non-partisan way, and I know if not where I will be 5 years from now or even 2 years anymore, where I ought to be, and have a clear road to get there if my government and the others in question let me, and also if any who would have done nothing to stop me so far continue to wait and see. I doubt whatever it is I do with the time won't be worth the time, though. I promise nothing but can do much, the reverse of politics. 



What the Asylum Thing Was Really About - June, 2006

         It seems this is what I should confront first, before much else because it is something that is out there hanging over everything else I might do from this time forward. How much I can say is always framed by circumstances external to me, how what I say would be interpreted or misinterpreted by others, and what action they might take against me for what I say. One would think in such circumstances it is better to not say anything than to risk saying things that would greatly piss powerful people off. That is if you think your own life, comfort, pleasure, time, and goals are the most important or deserve your highest attention, and the rest, the important things, are not your concern and will gladly cower when the powers-that-be say, this is off-limits and none of your concern. 

          For me, these are overlapping. What the current powers-that-be would do endangers what I would hope to do or achieve with my life and have spent a lifetime in pursuit of for the future. Nor are what they are doing and trying to cover up in anyone's interests except a very few, so few in fact they cannot see what they hope to achieve is so unworkable without the complete subjugation and domination of almost everyone, all dissenting voices crushed, and a public so misinformed that they are unworthy of even being called human in the sense of being the heirs of those who debated and created and refined democracy to be ever more expansive and a greater benefit to more, and more enlightened, people. 

          What is being done now in the name of promoting “democracy” is not democratic, not for the good of any country, much less my own which is purposely being targeted, not by extremists or terrorists, but by its own government trying to do whatever and as much as it can to provoke attacks against it, against its own citizens and interests which have been reduced to cannon fodder, to justify to them ever and ever greater expansions of military spending, internal political spying, control over lawmakers potential dissent, and unrestrained capacity to make wars because only the highest profit margins companies deserve investment, and the weapons industries markets must expand somehow.

          From the very start when I left the country in 2003, it was my intention to seek asylum to work against this and to speak out against it. The more time I had, the more well-thought and contemplative approach I could have taken, though I would not have slowed or lessened that drive for all the money and power in the world. But any goals you pursue have to be done in accordance with what is possible at the time. 

          Though what occurred in trying to request asylum to draw attention to things was within the context of what I intended, the circumstances, context, and the country I end up seeking asylum in was different than where I had originally envisioned or intended, the timing was different, and the pace was frantic because the time I had to work within, the space, was very small. 

          Sweden, nice country that it is, is practically the worst place for anyone to seek Political Asylum, and it never was likely to succeed. Thus I was reduced to trying to say as much as I could as quickly as I could in an effort that was doomed to failure from the outset, but only a failure in-so-far as I would not succeed in gaining asylum, but that was never the point. Being on record was the point. Not that asylum I felt was undeserved, but attainable only by saying things which I could not say because they would never have given me the venue, nor would have been willing able to back me up later. It was a situation where what to say and what not to say was always an issue, where keeping silent was not possible, nor would I get any help even if proving everything I might have been able to say, should a hearing have been possible, which it most certainly was not.

         Given the time restraints and the certainty of failure I tried to say as much as I could as quickly as I could and as safely as I could. The night before handing in the asylum the request, I wrote The Radioactive Cereal Principle, which was a thumbnail overview of what had been driving me to take such a course. That was included as a semi-explanation with my request.

         But nothing happens in a static world. You cannot think just because you do something today, the world will not be or not do something else you had not intended tomorrow. I was frustrated because nothing was getting through the wall of dis-information of the corporate media affecting how Americans were being told how to think of what was going on. 

         I was told by one of my instructors of alternative media on the Internet, much of which I have been following ardently since, but I said that it did not matter because it is preaching to the choir, and that nothing of the truth is getting through to the general public. That is evident even with the so-called “powerful” people in charge, Congressmen, even when the try to do their jobs as and independent branch of government. Murtha said recently about the Haitha incident, that it was “covered up” and only became an issue when Time magazine wrote about it many months later. 

         Despite the ridiculous and criminal cover-ups of the Haitha incident, I remember reading about it right after it occurred, (I may be confusing it with another “incident”) yet to the American Public as well as its government officials, if something is not in the mainstream press, it did not occur and is not the kind of reality you need to be concerned without, it becomes a lesser reality of people and children being murdered in the beds and cold blood which counts less than a “political reality" of what gets read about by those few left who are not intimidated not to vote. 

         The people who actually are aware of what is going on and willing to do something about it are so few as to be completely irrelevant and inconsequential, and have been sidelined by design to never matter again so long as you can control the mainstream media to never print other than sporadically challenges to things all the world outside the US, never mind outside the Beltway, know to be our own self-serving delusions of “helping” the world by forcing war with whomever has what we want or need, supporting friendly tyrants and despots while decrying “anti-democratic” regimes like Bolivia (they pulled that one out of their hat), Venezuela, Palestine, and Iran.

         The latter two both for better or worse actually represent what their people have been pushed into being willing to accept in response to our own criminal actions and relentless threats (now in the case of Iran, nuclear threats) and beyond the pale of what any semblance of our own responsibilities as a member of the UN, of its very principles of promoting peace over war, dissuading war crimes, and our own now egregious violations of the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty which we have violated completely, yet our own mindless public now thinks that Iran has, 180 degrees away from the reality of the present situation. Granted we are trying to give Iran more reasons every day to think they need nuclear weapons to remain safe because nuclear states pretty much seem to be the only countries presently off-limits to our imminent treats of attack or regime change. 

         While the American public is so completely disinformed, I saw nothing worth doing more than to do whatever I could to chip away that wall of obliviousness which is killing our country and poisoning the world. 

         Yet everything began to change from the moment I began the asylum process, and these changes began to take the wind out of my sails. On the very day I requested asylum, the Pentagon admitted to using White Phosphorous against people for purposes other than to increase visibility, in other words, in using it as a weapon against people intentionally in direct violations international bans on chemical weapons, bans which like land mines, bans to which the US has not signed. (This was mentioned in RCP)

         That the Pentagon came clean about it over the protests of the State Department is telling to how bad and dangerous the situation in Washington has deteriorated. If there ever was to be a department of Peace to balance the Pentagon's Department of War, it would have to be the State Department. Yet it was the State Department which had endlessly lied and propagandized to the media saying what they knew to be untrue, that the US was not using such weapons against people intentionally in combat situations. 

         When you have the only branch of the US government which is supposed to be trying to take a diplomatic approach to peaceful solutions run by those who would so openly and brazenly misinform the public and press about the conduct of a war, lying to a point against which even those committing such excesses who will not go so far as to lie about it, you have to wonder who in the world the world has to turn to to negotiate peace when those whose jobs it is to work on such peace deals may want it on terms 100% known to be unacceptable for the other side, and advocate methods of warfare even the most militaristic branches of the government are not comfortable about lying about. Whether they are uncomfortable about doing it, they are not allowed to say, doing it is their job, but unlike the political appointees, are not so comfortable with lying, deceiving the American people, and endlessly covering it up.

         The more I tried to push what I wanted to talk about, the more other things began coming out. What has been described as “outrage fatigue” has set in. While locked into the process of asylum, I wrote The Radioactive Cereal Principle, Part II, covering as much as I dared knowing that writing that may well have been all that I would get to have done or said. 

         But no longer could I say the mainstream media was completely blind to what was being covered up. It has been one endless stream of “Watergates” since December 2005, constitutional scandals exposing power grabs surpassing the definition of dictatorial rule, which have all crashed and burned before a media which seems to cover them merely like inoculating people to be able to suppress outrage at almost any abuse of power, much as one would inject the flu or poison in small doses to build up a resistance to them. The press may not see it in that light, but that is the effect: a public now convinced they are willing to put up with literally any abuses of power because the principle has now been accepted without meaningful opposition or debate by Congress or the press that the President is free to do whatever he pleases whenever he pleases without any fear of anyone telling him he cannot do something because it is illegal. That he literally and figuratively is above all laws because he is “unimpeachable”.

         The “ground” of the Administration and most Departments now willingly promoting massive disinformation of the public which I was trying to stand upon gave way to a tide of “Yes, I am damn well am violating the law and the Constitution, and I am going to damn well keep doing it.” The “investigation” over warrant-less wiretapping, now rebranded the “Terrorist Surveillance Program” was reduced from an thorough inquiry to “We agree to ask the President's permission to make his violations of the law legal after the fact if he acknowledges that he in some instances, theoretically, he may have to pay attention on occasion to what we do and say about what is legal and not legal.” 

         What is funny is that now anyone thinks there is any rules other than what the President, or Vice-President, thinks he wants to do. Technically they have lawyers on the White House Counsel coming up with dubious arguments on why they can do whatever they want to, in the name of protecting the country and the flag of course, and base it on some remote semblance of law. When even that fails and these, their own lawyers say, “No, doing that would cross the line”, the White House, as in the warrant-less wiretapping program or torture debate, simply fired the lawyers and got new ones after the current legal advisors told them it was illegal. Getting new advisors who would say what you want them too suddenly makes it legal again, especially if you know the Supreme Court would back you up should it ever come to that. But why, knowing they would back you up if you asked for that power, would you do it in violation of the law in the first place? Simply because not wanting Congress to know about the scope of the spying program was the whole point, especially since they would have agreed to almost anything asked of them in the aftermath of 9/11.

         So if making something which was blatantly illegal become legal just by changing advisors, so too it seems they thought all the worlds problems might go away if you could just get people who might contradict you to go away or not be able to speak up or be heard. Iraq would become a flourishing democracy if we could simply keep all these naysayers at bay and fill the Iraqi “free media” with our government funded propaganda on how willing and excited they were by the prospect of democracy that they would willingly “tighten their belts” and bravely face a lack of basic services, lack clean drinking water, skyrocketing child malnutrition, lacks decent medical care, electricity, gasoline, a complete destruction of local businesses, a wipe-out of its middle class, a Walmartization of its economy at the feet of foreign multinationals all of whom's employees have diplomatic immunity from local prosecution by the local government there for whatever crimes they commit, (including human trafficking crimes by these some of these US government contractors and sub-contractors now admitted to by the US State Department), and a wholesale looting and privatization of its resources, oil fields, banking, etc. by interim occupation governments to US corporations.. 

         When losing the ability to keep the American Press from mentioning that there was in fact a civil war going on there to which we were now more than a part of it, but from the worlds point of view, we were one of, if not THE main instigator of the instability, the Salvador option of supporting militant death squads, we simply changed the rhetoric to that of open admission. “Yes, there is a lot of fighting and instability there, but nothing helps build democracy like a civil war. It is a sign of our success in how much we have accomplished and have helped these people.” I kid you not. They actually tried to make that fly and a surprising number of non-Fox news agencies had no problem with the “Civil War as a good thing” spin angle.  



RCP Complete - April 18th, 2007

          I wanted to put all of RCP in one page here but it would have been too long so I decided to do this as an index page to tie it all together. 

       There are things that I would write that I know ahead of time. Ideas which come at once which have a lot more depth to them than just an idea, almost like remembering an entire book by the title, except sometimes for me they are of things I have not written yet. I just remember them almost whole. RCP may or may not be one of them. Life, the external environment, just selects which ones actually will get done, made, played out.

        The Notes I keep have a lot of ideas which I know in shorthand that represent things which are very long and complicated which I have not written yet, many which I never will, and some I would not even want to.

         The Radioactive Cereal Principle began with the sentence, "The Radioactive Cereal Principle first appeared in my notes about a year ago as a paper to be written at this time. If unsuccessful, then this is to try to put things now in a better perspective without saying too much now." The first sentence was actually originally even more overly-dramatic. As it was first written, it ended with, "...written at this time if all is lost." I scratched that last part out because if all was really lost, what would be the point of writing it? Writing it was in effect, an effort to reverse things, change direction. It was last-ditch, throwing everything I hoped to accomplish over years into one missive, one punch.

        As I have said in it above and in anything written about it, it is always a question of what to say and what not to say. I don't think it was as successful as I hoped, nor that it was ineffectual. It simply ended up like pushing everything back to be settled later. When I think of the ongoing problems it tried to address, I say later is not good enough, but that is not yet my call. I can think I should have tried harder, maybe if I said something more or said something differently, clearer results would have been possible. It was, I think, appropriate for the time.

        At the time I was about to try to obtain political asylum. It was well known both in my government, the United States, and in the country I applied to, that that was what I was going to do. If I got that far, to be registered, some measure of protection would go with that status, that of a political asylum seeker. That modicum of protection, real or imaginary, against possible retribution, real or imaginary, that my country might take for my trying to speak strongly about such things, freed me up to put as much into that paper as I dared, thinking if I handed it in with my asylum application, at least someone would read it, no matter what might have happened to me next. That idea that a record would be preserved which could not be as easily wiped out as people can be, emboldened me.

        I had no idea before applying of what it would entail in regard to citizenship, only that if it was accepted that I could stay longer, and that I might have to forfeit my US citizenship, which I would not have wished to do. The potential reaction of my government was the ultimate wild-card because under the present Administration, it has all the understanding and intelligence of a rabid dog, so returning might not have been possible either. Those who doubt that, that might call it paranoia, there are American citizens who simply have traveled abroad who cannot return without being told why, just as there are thousands who are not allowed to fly on airlines without being told why. At least if there was unwarranted blowback for me, unlike those others, I would have at least had an idea of why.

        I can say what it was not. It was not a stunt, not a bid for attention, not an attempt to evade anything. It was a legitimate request which ironically became more legitimate because of asking, that going out on a limb, and having it granted becoming more necessary the more likely it would have been to be accepted. Because it was not likely to be accepted without "permission" from my own country, it de-escalated. It ended up like a game of chicken in which neither side had to blink because the parameters changed. I was in a situation I would have rather had avoided but was determined to get to a hearing to put as much on record as I could, even if it was not to be made public, and that to get there I was willing to risk everything.

        So on November 13, 2005, I wrote the Radioactive Cereal Principle as a supplement to my political asylum application, not the first time I felt I was writing for my life, but more intense. I gave it with the paperwork the next morning. It took a lot of trips to Stockholm and probably discussions behind the scenes to 'allow' me to apply for political asylum in Sweden.

        France, where I should have been allowed to apply and even should have been allowed to be transferred to under the Dublin Convention (France was the first EU country I entered) wisely wanted no part of it, especially since under their law they probably would have had to grant it, or at the very least have given me a hearing. More friction with the US or being set up for embarrassment from the US they did not want and blocked it.

        The Venezuelan Embassy, with their country even more in a bad position in regards to my country's behavior and threats, (Chavez was saying that week that France had just told him he was about to be invaded or attacked) more or less prevented me from even going inside, having someone at the door repeatedly saying they were closed when calling repeatedly said they were open. It was probably wise as there is no telling what might have been erroneously alleged I might have said if I gone in. Yet by such repeated attempts to apply somewhere, almost anywhere, I showed I was not going to back down, and then was helped to apply for asylum there in Sweden before trying other raw nerves such as the Russian or Cuban embassies.

       And then, everything began shifting under my feet. That day the Army admitted to using White Phosphorus as a weapon. Later the New York Times broke the story on the not yet re-named "Terrorist Surveillance Program", aka the felonious illegal wiretapping at the direction of the President program, tripping off a few months of a constant barrage of scandals any one of which would have and should have brought down any other government by forcing resignations.

        But I still was not about to give up. I thought I might get a hearing still in December and was given a date to supposedly make a statement. Hoping I would get a chance to get something else on record, I wrote The Radioactive Cereal Principle Part II, or RCP2, the day before the interview, on December 7th, and tried to go much further, far enough I thought that it would not have been possible to turn back. "If I hand this in," I thought, "I may never have any free choices ever again,"the course of my life would be preset, determined by that one choice.

        This time I emailed it a bunch of places first. Again, I just wanted a record of it preserved if things did not go well for me for having written it, to say the least. And then the wait began, a long agonizing silence while my fate was being decided. I don't know if I said too much or too little but most likely the right amount. With possibly some negative repercussions eventually let up, I was allowed back, so evidently did not go too far. I am comfortable that I was not intimidated or afraid to push it as hard as prudently possible, so I don't think I pulled back too much either. From the outset, I was told getting asylum was virtually impossible, so that caused me to see it in that light. But even knowing that, being on record was the point and not backing down was the point.

        Months in limbo later, the situation in the US was greatly different. Everything was in flux. An excerpt from a letter here written at the end of February 2006 sums up the frustration I felt of being in a helpless situation, with my life and fate to be decided by others. I was then shortly thereafter more or less told neither asylum nor a hearing would be given, but that a no-promises return might be arranged. Since I had been gone years now, had done what I set out to do, and had seemingly gone as far as was permissible for me to go, I returned, but intended to write a third part, this time regardless of the consequences, and focused instead on that.

        Things in the US continued to change. By the time I was ready to (and able to, still pissed off about that) write a Part III, the Democrats had won both houses of Congress, and it really had become pointless. The tide had turned, it no longer seemed necessary, and it was time to get back to other things. Exactly one year to the day after the "will work for peace for food and shelter" letter, I wrote a post on my blog about how much things had changed. The environment had shifted and I acknowledged such.

        Still, I went back to the beach where I would have written RCP3, and tried to sum it up as best I could. I have put that here as Not RCP3, because it is not, but it aims the same without the punch. What I can't say, perhaps should not be said. But there are always other things which can. Just because the environment is not the same as I expected, in many ways much more receptive to change and much less need for confrontation as before, that does not mean that all is settled. This is one of the greatest periods of change in American and world history, and now the pendulum is swinging back in the other direction. Not because the hapless Democrats have taken over a corrupted system, but because people are beginning to realize the need to be told the truth, and hopefully in government, they recognize the need to tell them.

        Democracy requires stewardship not by the legislators but ultimately by the public informed about what is really going on. Right now, not even the legislators are being told what is going on and they have made it quite clear they prefer to be out of the loop. The lies must end. The free ride is over.

        Without the public demanding both political parties in the US to actually represent their interests over corporate interests, other countries interests, the defense and oil companies interests in ways to the detriment and endangerment of it citizens, then it would be time to admit, the grand experiment in democracy, at least in the United States, is over and exists only in rhetoric and lies, about as factual as the disinformation and propaganda being served to them nightly by faux news broadcasts and talking point op-eds.

        The American Spirit of democracy and self-government has been asleep for so long it has rightly been mistaken for dead. Whether that is the case has yet to be proven, but if not, the acting has been uncanny.

1) 2005 Whitehead John W.  2005/05/18  A Nation Betrayed: Secret Cold War Experiments Performed on Our Children and Other Innocent People: An interview with Carol Rutz : 
http://www.rutherford.org/oldspeak/articles/interview/Rutz.html

2) 2005 Whitehead John W.  2005/05/18  A Nation Betrayed: Secret Cold War Experiments Performed on Our Children and Other Innocent People: An interview with Carol Rutz :  
http://www.rutherford.org/oldspeak/articles/interview/Rutz.html

3) 1999 Elliston Jon  1999/ 03  THE CIA AND TORTURE ON THE RECORD, PART 2 :  
http://www.sonic.net/~doretk/Issues/99-03%20SPR/thecia.html

4) 2005 McCain, John 2005/11/13 Torture's Terrible Toll :  
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10019179/site/newsweek/

5) 2005  SECRECY NEWS 2005/02/03 SECRECY NEWS from the FAS Project on 
Government Secrecy Volume 2005, Issue No. 13 
http://www.fas.org/sgp/news/secrecy/2005/02/020305.html

6) 2005 Pitts, Joe W.  2005/10/01  SECRETS, LIES & TORTURE : President Bush's Penchant for Secrecy Is Moving Us Toward a Closed Society  
http://www.washingtonspectator.com/articles/20051001secrets_2.cfm

7) 200? Rappoport, John, The CIA, Mind Control, & Children, CKLN-FM Mind Control Series -- Part 10, Ryerson Polytechnic University, Toronto, CA

8) The day after I first wrote this, the Pentagon came clean about it and admitted to using White Phospherous in battle against combatents in Iraq despite earlier denials by the State Department. While still claiming it is not illegal to do so, and technically not a chemical weapon (unless intentionally used against people as a weapon) because the US does not consider it a chemical weapon as many other nations do. While I applaud any admittance of past mistakes, which is after all the whole point of this paper, that the lies and cover-ups do far more damage in the long run, the US continues to state the obvious and not have it challenged or followed up by the press. We do not intentionally target civilians. No shit, but that does not mean they are not using it on civilians inadvertantly. Chemical weapons are killer clouds. They are not responsible for which way the wind blows, except politically speaking, which is all politicians seem to care about. Still, my hat is off to the Pentagon in this instance, and I am hopeful the Bush/Press disinformation wall is cracking, but not because of the American Press, which did not even consider it a valid story despite overwhelming evidence until the Pentagon itself admitted to doing it. Maybe since Brian Williams (9) does not think the government secretly bribing the press to run favorable stories is not against the rules, maybe paying them not to run stories they don't like will be fair game also one day, if not already.

9) 2005, Media Matters, 2005/12/05   NBC anchor Williams: Bush administration has "right" to buy media coverage    http://mediamatters.org/items/200512050010